"you are one of my favorite partners."
"thank you. you too."
the one
i have never seen her before. all i know is that a line of men are waiting to dance with her. every time i get ready to approach her, another man invites her to the floor. ugh! finally, i seize a moment. i am mere inches away from her. i ask, "would you..." oh no she has just agreed to dance with another man. he turns to look at me, "sorry." (yeah right you are sorry. bull shit you are sorry.)
i return to my chair. my friend asks, "well?" i said, "nope. someone else beat me to it."
a few minutes later, i say to my friend, "hey you know what would be wild????" "what?" he asks. "i bet you she is going to come to ask me to dance." my friend looks at me, feeling sorry for me.
at the end of the set, she and her partner walk toward us (i turn to look at my friend, with a twinkle in my eye), and we dance the last set of the night.
i return to my chair. my friend asks, "well?" i said, "nope. someone else beat me to it."
a few minutes later, i say to my friend, "hey you know what would be wild????" "what?" he asks. "i bet you she is going to come to ask me to dance." my friend looks at me, feeling sorry for me.
at the end of the set, she and her partner walk toward us (i turn to look at my friend, with a twinkle in my eye), and we dance the last set of the night.
crazy conversation
(between songs)
new friend: "i was so cold, i am all layers today."
me: "uh huh."
(dance)
friend: "wow! i am getting warmed up."
me: "uh huh."
(dance)
new friend: "hold on!"
(she runs to take her pants off)
(later)
man friend number 1 (to me): "did she just take her pants off for you?"
me: "why yes she did."
(man friend number 2 joins us)
man friend number 2 (to new friend): "did i hear that right? did you take your pants off for him?"
new friend: "yup."
new friend: "i was so cold, i am all layers today."
me: "uh huh."
(dance)
friend: "wow! i am getting warmed up."
me: "uh huh."
(dance)
new friend: "hold on!"
(she runs to take her pants off)
(later)
man friend number 1 (to me): "did she just take her pants off for you?"
me: "why yes she did."
(man friend number 2 joins us)
man friend number 2 (to new friend): "did i hear that right? did you take your pants off for him?"
new friend: "yup."
i miss them
dear diary,
in nyc during the weekend, so much memory.
i miss my teachers.
what a strange period of my past life. every day, i carried 3 bags: knife bag (for cooking school), judo bag, and computer bag. every day, i traveled from clients' offices, to the dojo, back to my clients, downtown to Chinatown, ate through Chinatown (i was burning thousands of calories every day from training), to cooking school, then late train home.
it was a very good thing that i did not know about the tango at that time.
in nyc during the weekend, so much memory.
i miss my teachers.
what a strange period of my past life. every day, i carried 3 bags: knife bag (for cooking school), judo bag, and computer bag. every day, i traveled from clients' offices, to the dojo, back to my clients, downtown to Chinatown, ate through Chinatown (i was burning thousands of calories every day from training), to cooking school, then late train home.
it was a very good thing that i did not know about the tango at that time.
too much of a good thing
dear diary,
why else would i do this, to dance ten times in eight days, except to cover the loneliness, while lomyl is away? i am deliberately exhausting myself, to the point where, last night, i sat in a corner, watching the floor of dancers, spiritually and physically drained, could not conjure any desire to dance. i was no longer dancing well. worse, i lost my mind.
why else would i do this, to dance ten times in eight days, except to cover the loneliness, while lomyl is away? i am deliberately exhausting myself, to the point where, last night, i sat in a corner, watching the floor of dancers, spiritually and physically drained, could not conjure any desire to dance. i was no longer dancing well. worse, i lost my mind.
translator
the team huddles around the table, preparing.
heated discussion, and then i say something.
uncomfortable silence. all eyes on me...
flash back to more than twenty years ago, in the dorm, a bunch of guys, just hanging, lots of laughing and stuff like that, and then i say something.
uncomfortable silence. all eyes on me...
wherever i am in life, by some miracle, i have always had a translator, a savior, who converts my words into something else, so that people would understand me.
in the dorm, my roommate, by now used to these uncomfortable moments of silence, breaks the tension, "what he meant was..." (OH!!!! Ha! Good one, Mr. Hem ((Don't ask, a friend gave me that nickname.)))
flash forward to the meeting, around the table, i am thinking, "oh well. i should be used to this by now," when the manager says, "that's exactly right."
-
it has taken many decades for me to understand that it's ok to think the way i do.
heated discussion, and then i say something.
uncomfortable silence. all eyes on me...
flash back to more than twenty years ago, in the dorm, a bunch of guys, just hanging, lots of laughing and stuff like that, and then i say something.
uncomfortable silence. all eyes on me...
wherever i am in life, by some miracle, i have always had a translator, a savior, who converts my words into something else, so that people would understand me.
in the dorm, my roommate, by now used to these uncomfortable moments of silence, breaks the tension, "what he meant was..." (OH!!!! Ha! Good one, Mr. Hem ((Don't ask, a friend gave me that nickname.)))
flash forward to the meeting, around the table, i am thinking, "oh well. i should be used to this by now," when the manager says, "that's exactly right."
-
it has taken many decades for me to understand that it's ok to think the way i do.
78.5
i danced with her last year. fun!
at the festival, i ask her to dance again. she is sooooo comfortable. after the song, she tells me that she had taught dance a long time ago; gave up dance for 40 years; only to study Tango five years ago. (i am doing the math in my head.)
i tell her that she feels fantastic.
she tells me that she is seventy-eight and a half years old, with a twinkle in her eyes.
i gasp.
we dance two sets in a row. for almost 25 minutes we fly along the line of dance.
at the festival, i ask her to dance again. she is sooooo comfortable. after the song, she tells me that she had taught dance a long time ago; gave up dance for 40 years; only to study Tango five years ago. (i am doing the math in my head.)
i tell her that she feels fantastic.
she tells me that she is seventy-eight and a half years old, with a twinkle in her eyes.
i gasp.
we dance two sets in a row. for almost 25 minutes we fly along the line of dance.
listening to music with djs
i am sitting between two tanguera-djs, watching the floor of dancers. a set of beautiful and old tunes begin.
tanguera-dj-1: "who do you think that is?"
me: "tough to tell. could be Canaro, Carabelli, OTV... i have a hard time with music before 1930."
i turn to tanguera-dj-2, "do you know who this is?"
tanguera-dj-2: "it's canaro."
my eyebrows lift, at her definitive answer. i turn and tell tanguera-dj-1, "tanguera-dj-2 says it's canaro."
a passage in the music.
me (to tanguera-dj-2), "but this passage, it's signature OTV."
tanguera-dj-1: "i know exactly what you mean. but, it's Canaro."
finally, at the fourth song, i smile and see that tanguera-dj-1 is smiling too.
me (bowing to tanguera-dj-2): "ok ok, Master, it's Canaro."
tanguera-dj-2: "what? you didn't believe me?"
me: "i did. it's just that, EVEN I could recognize this song is Canaro."
tanguera-dj-1: "who do you think that is?"
me: "tough to tell. could be Canaro, Carabelli, OTV... i have a hard time with music before 1930."
i turn to tanguera-dj-2, "do you know who this is?"
tanguera-dj-2: "it's canaro."
my eyebrows lift, at her definitive answer. i turn and tell tanguera-dj-1, "tanguera-dj-2 says it's canaro."
a passage in the music.
me (to tanguera-dj-2), "but this passage, it's signature OTV."
tanguera-dj-1: "i know exactly what you mean. but, it's Canaro."
finally, at the fourth song, i smile and see that tanguera-dj-1 is smiling too.
me (bowing to tanguera-dj-2): "ok ok, Master, it's Canaro."
tanguera-dj-2: "what? you didn't believe me?"
me: "i did. it's just that, EVEN I could recognize this song is Canaro."
attack
it came back, my fears and anxieties of being in the car. the daily struggles, of chanting, of battles against myself, slowly weaken me.
a few days ago, in the middle of this stretch of the highway that is the bane of my daily commute, i told myself, "attack." instead of shrinking from the road, from myself, from life, i told myself to engage it, to embrace the life.
stunning.
on a packed floor at the festival, a woman's heel had cut across my partner. she winced. at the end of the song, i apologized and said, "i tried." she told me, "don't worry, it's not your fault. it's a meditation right?" i nodded, "yes, it is." when the next song started, i told myself, "attack." instead of thinking about the people around me (and thus not thinking about my partner), i simply engaged with exactly what i wanted, at that moment, on that floor, with my partner. the time, the place, mine. at this, she inhaled deeply.
...
years ago, when i was a judo baby, my teacher told me, "focus on one thing. when you throw your opponent, you don't think about throwing him. he is too big. you think about throwing that small part of his shoulder, or just that piece of his leg. when you begin the reap, you don't reap your leg. just point your big toe. everything else will be in the right place."
it was a simple advice. i have told my students the same over the decade. they have always had the same transformation: disbelief, then wonderment.
...
when i told lomyl about these moments, she smiled and told me a story about Allez!
a few days ago, in the middle of this stretch of the highway that is the bane of my daily commute, i told myself, "attack." instead of shrinking from the road, from myself, from life, i told myself to engage it, to embrace the life.
stunning.
on a packed floor at the festival, a woman's heel had cut across my partner. she winced. at the end of the song, i apologized and said, "i tried." she told me, "don't worry, it's not your fault. it's a meditation right?" i nodded, "yes, it is." when the next song started, i told myself, "attack." instead of thinking about the people around me (and thus not thinking about my partner), i simply engaged with exactly what i wanted, at that moment, on that floor, with my partner. the time, the place, mine. at this, she inhaled deeply.
...
years ago, when i was a judo baby, my teacher told me, "focus on one thing. when you throw your opponent, you don't think about throwing him. he is too big. you think about throwing that small part of his shoulder, or just that piece of his leg. when you begin the reap, you don't reap your leg. just point your big toe. everything else will be in the right place."
it was a simple advice. i have told my students the same over the decade. they have always had the same transformation: disbelief, then wonderment.
...
when i told lomyl about these moments, she smiled and told me a story about Allez!
by association
dear diary,
i don't like the way he dances. anyway, he has a way of finding the women who would agree to dance with him. i avert my eyes.
he came upon a woman, who sits with elegance and grace, and extends his hand; she declines; he turns and walks away. all of this quietly played out.
suddenly, because i am dense, i understand this: when a woman has seen him dance, and when he approaches her, does she think: "what??? do you think i am bad enough to dance with you?"
i don't like the way he dances. anyway, he has a way of finding the women who would agree to dance with him. i avert my eyes.
he came upon a woman, who sits with elegance and grace, and extends his hand; she declines; he turns and walks away. all of this quietly played out.
suddenly, because i am dense, i understand this: when a woman has seen him dance, and when he approaches her, does she think: "what??? do you think i am bad enough to dance with you?"
wheeeee
dear diary,
some moves are so much easier for me to learn than others.
i have watched a few of my fave local leaders do this swoosh-wheee thing, for a couple of years, and wished that i could do it.
last week, that's what we studied in class! and you know what? i picked it up quickly. i think the swoosh-wheee and my body were made for each other.
this week we refined the move. throughout the class, i was grinning... as was my partner.
some moves are so much easier for me to learn than others.
i have watched a few of my fave local leaders do this swoosh-wheee thing, for a couple of years, and wished that i could do it.
last week, that's what we studied in class! and you know what? i picked it up quickly. i think the swoosh-wheee and my body were made for each other.
this week we refined the move. throughout the class, i was grinning... as was my partner.
intimate
Mari writes eloquently about Intimate Mixture. I suspect I am no different from other tanguero(a)s, in that my everyday conversations are somehow related or connected to the Tango. My colleagues don't believe me when I tell them that my experiences on the dance floor are not sexual. They don't understand the distinction that I make, between the sensuous and the sexual. They don't believe that I am not thinking about (shhh...) SEX! They shake their heads when I tell them that I burst into tears, in the middle of a song, JUST BECAUSE...
... in the middle of a song, my friend turns her head, so that she now faces me; her nose next to mine; her breath brushing my cheek; we are in the moment. as we wait for the next song, she sees my eyes, and follows in the direction of my gaze, towards lomyl. a moment of "discomfort(?)," until lomyl smiles at her, at us, happy that we are enjoying the set.
... i don't know of a sweeter moment, when (and i never know when this happens) i feel my partner fully accepts me. i cherish these times and carry them in my memory for days. ok this is the best part: sometimes i don't even know my partner's name.
... when my partner cannot stop smiling, when her eyes twinkle, that's just... oh man, that's just 1000 times more better than sex. but then, i don't know that my non-Tango friends would understand the sublime and delicious intimacy in the Tango.
... in the middle of a song, my friend turns her head, so that she now faces me; her nose next to mine; her breath brushing my cheek; we are in the moment. as we wait for the next song, she sees my eyes, and follows in the direction of my gaze, towards lomyl. a moment of "discomfort(?)," until lomyl smiles at her, at us, happy that we are enjoying the set.
... i don't know of a sweeter moment, when (and i never know when this happens) i feel my partner fully accepts me. i cherish these times and carry them in my memory for days. ok this is the best part: sometimes i don't even know my partner's name.
... when my partner cannot stop smiling, when her eyes twinkle, that's just... oh man, that's just 1000 times more better than sex. but then, i don't know that my non-Tango friends would understand the sublime and delicious intimacy in the Tango.
uncertainty about my playlist
dear diary,
i have been preparing for tonight's alternative milonga. for days, i agonized over the sets. the more i listen, the more i am unhappy with my collection. finally, i have a couple of hours of the alternatives.
i burned a cd yesterday, to listen to them in the car. ugh! one set after another, "i can't dance to this!" "too long!" (but this i can deal with.) "hmmm. what do i play before this, and what after?" (ok, this is a good sign.) "what was i thinking? this song stinks!" getting out of the car, i was fuming. less than 36 hours away, and i am not in love with my music.
this morning, i burned another cd, to see if the changes that i made are acceptable. i am now doubting my taste. i mean, I LIKE the MUSIC, but, is it danceable? is it going to be fun? is it going to be embraced? should i keep it? should i go ahead and play it? should i go with an old set that i know to have been good?
and then, what about the traditionals? i have a few beautiful, and i mean really really beautiful new sets, sets that i have never played, one of De Caro, that i want to play, but that i am not sure would work with the alternatives. should i just go for it? should i be "conservative," and play the traditional sets that i know?
i only have 2 hours before the milonga, to figure out what i want. yes yes yes i don't create a list on-the-fly. i am not good enough to do that yet. i prepare and i prepare, and this time, i do not feel confident at all.
going into the night, with trepidation.
-
update: the night was fantastic. will post playlist soon.
i have been preparing for tonight's alternative milonga. for days, i agonized over the sets. the more i listen, the more i am unhappy with my collection. finally, i have a couple of hours of the alternatives.
i burned a cd yesterday, to listen to them in the car. ugh! one set after another, "i can't dance to this!" "too long!" (but this i can deal with.) "hmmm. what do i play before this, and what after?" (ok, this is a good sign.) "what was i thinking? this song stinks!" getting out of the car, i was fuming. less than 36 hours away, and i am not in love with my music.
this morning, i burned another cd, to see if the changes that i made are acceptable. i am now doubting my taste. i mean, I LIKE the MUSIC, but, is it danceable? is it going to be fun? is it going to be embraced? should i keep it? should i go ahead and play it? should i go with an old set that i know to have been good?
and then, what about the traditionals? i have a few beautiful, and i mean really really beautiful new sets, sets that i have never played, one of De Caro, that i want to play, but that i am not sure would work with the alternatives. should i just go for it? should i be "conservative," and play the traditional sets that i know?
i only have 2 hours before the milonga, to figure out what i want. yes yes yes i don't create a list on-the-fly. i am not good enough to do that yet. i prepare and i prepare, and this time, i do not feel confident at all.
going into the night, with trepidation.
-
update: the night was fantastic. will post playlist soon.
shexperience?
conversations with tanguera friends...
one is sitting away from everyone, because she is not having a good time; because she is dancing with people with whom she no longer enjoys the experience; because she has become much better, and they have not; because she doesn't yet know how to say no.
another doesn't know why why why... she dresses; she puts on her beautiful shoes; she is beautiful; she is a fantastic dancer; and yet, she goes, with fear and anticipation, wondering whether she will dance, whether she will sit the entire night, whether she will have to say no to someone she doesn't want to dance with... a ride on the emotional roller coaster every time she goes to a milonga. why? why? why?
i listen to these stories, and i am so thankful that i am a man.
one is sitting away from everyone, because she is not having a good time; because she is dancing with people with whom she no longer enjoys the experience; because she has become much better, and they have not; because she doesn't yet know how to say no.
another doesn't know why why why... she dresses; she puts on her beautiful shoes; she is beautiful; she is a fantastic dancer; and yet, she goes, with fear and anticipation, wondering whether she will dance, whether she will sit the entire night, whether she will have to say no to someone she doesn't want to dance with... a ride on the emotional roller coaster every time she goes to a milonga. why? why? why?
i listen to these stories, and i am so thankful that i am a man.
life, measured in tango years
"welcome back!"
"thanks!"
"how was your vacation?"
"great!"
"... how long were you gone?"
"12 milongas."
"thanks!"
"how was your vacation?"
"great!"
"... how long were you gone?"
"12 milongas."
now i smellunderstand
dear diary,
i read often about the odor/fragrances in the tango (for example, this). interestingly, not so much in the conversations during the milongas. (probably a sensitive topic.)
i enjoy the different and unique perfumes of my partners. sometimes, although this is rare (hmmm), two people radiate the same scent (perfume, soap, shampoo, i don't really know). over time, the scent has become part of the connections. sometimes, the sweaty scents enhance the experience.
so far so good, until last night. i was a follower during the entire class. my nose was very very unhappy. maybe it's because a man doesn't like another man's odor?? i don't know. all i know is that i now understand what women are saying, when it comes to the "smell."
i hope i smell good...
i read often about the odor/fragrances in the tango (for example, this). interestingly, not so much in the conversations during the milongas. (probably a sensitive topic.)
i enjoy the different and unique perfumes of my partners. sometimes, although this is rare (hmmm), two people radiate the same scent (perfume, soap, shampoo, i don't really know). over time, the scent has become part of the connections. sometimes, the sweaty scents enhance the experience.
so far so good, until last night. i was a follower during the entire class. my nose was very very unhappy. maybe it's because a man doesn't like another man's odor?? i don't know. all i know is that i now understand what women are saying, when it comes to the "smell."
i hope i smell good...
how i find the songs
when people ask me how i find the songs that i play, my usual answer: i don't know. from everywhere. i am always on the alert. today, the following happened. and i thought it would be fun to write down the path of my discovery.
1. i am reading a book. it is a passage about junior prom, and Ricky Nelson's Lonesome Town is playing. It is apparently a slow song.
2. i drop everything. i go online and look for Lonesome Town on iTunes. OK, sound interesting. But I don't like Nelson's version, even though it is apparently the original.
3. i go to emusic.com and look for Lonesome Town. i download Nelson's version. But i hate it, because it is a live recording.
4. on emusic.com, i look for other artists' version of the same song. i go through the list, listen to a few of them. i find Clearwater Connection and like its interpretation.
5. i download it, and play it on the loud speaker (the laptop's speakers hide everything).
6. i dance to it. not bad. it IS slow. i can walk to it. i can spin to it. i like the mood.
7. i annotate the song in my itunes library. it is now a candidate alternative song. but, i need others to complement it.
8. i go back to emusic.com. and find other artists who have also recorded Lonesome Town. i find Tineta, a country artist. i listen to all the tracks, looking for i-don't-know-what, until i get to Have You Ever Seen The Rain (by Fogarty). OK. her version is sweet. this may work. i download it. BUT BUT BUT, i also remind myself to look for Fogarty's version, because you never know, and also because i remember from a very long time ago that i liked Fogarty's rendition.
9. now i have two possible candidates in a set.
10. i go back to reading the book.
11. but because i am obsessive, i go back to emusic.com, and download Creedence Clearwater Revival's Chronicle Volume One.
12. i look at the similar artists, and decide to try Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Welcome to Woody Creek (don't ask me why). i scan every song. nothing turns me on. but, i download Any Love But Our Love, because, who knows, i may like it, i may not.
13. i go back to reading the book.
14. but WAIT! CCR Volume One does not contain Have You Ever Seen The Rain. back to the internet.
15. i find it under Pendulum (40th Anniversary Edition). i download it. oh it is fantastic!
16. at peace (for now). back to reading the book.
1. i am reading a book. it is a passage about junior prom, and Ricky Nelson's Lonesome Town is playing. It is apparently a slow song.
2. i drop everything. i go online and look for Lonesome Town on iTunes. OK, sound interesting. But I don't like Nelson's version, even though it is apparently the original.
3. i go to emusic.com and look for Lonesome Town. i download Nelson's version. But i hate it, because it is a live recording.
4. on emusic.com, i look for other artists' version of the same song. i go through the list, listen to a few of them. i find Clearwater Connection and like its interpretation.
5. i download it, and play it on the loud speaker (the laptop's speakers hide everything).
6. i dance to it. not bad. it IS slow. i can walk to it. i can spin to it. i like the mood.
7. i annotate the song in my itunes library. it is now a candidate alternative song. but, i need others to complement it.
8. i go back to emusic.com. and find other artists who have also recorded Lonesome Town. i find Tineta, a country artist. i listen to all the tracks, looking for i-don't-know-what, until i get to Have You Ever Seen The Rain (by Fogarty). OK. her version is sweet. this may work. i download it. BUT BUT BUT, i also remind myself to look for Fogarty's version, because you never know, and also because i remember from a very long time ago that i liked Fogarty's rendition.
9. now i have two possible candidates in a set.
10. i go back to reading the book.
11. but because i am obsessive, i go back to emusic.com, and download Creedence Clearwater Revival's Chronicle Volume One.
12. i look at the similar artists, and decide to try Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Welcome to Woody Creek (don't ask me why). i scan every song. nothing turns me on. but, i download Any Love But Our Love, because, who knows, i may like it, i may not.
13. i go back to reading the book.
14. but WAIT! CCR Volume One does not contain Have You Ever Seen The Rain. back to the internet.
15. i find it under Pendulum (40th Anniversary Edition). i download it. oh it is fantastic!
16. at peace (for now). back to reading the book.
vulnerable
dear diary,
a string of good songs with a favorite partner. i begin to feel a twinge. i suppress it, but the music and the connection overwhelm me and take over. i swallow hard, trying to contain the rush, trying to control it. but i succumb.
i stop in the middle of the floor, unable to take another step, convulsing, breathing hard, 5, 15, 30 seconds, every tick of the clock, wanting to walk but unable to, knowing that as soon as i move, i would burst into tears. i am embarrassed and relieved at the same time.
finally able to move, i finish the song. with cracked voice and puffed eyes, i thank her.
a string of good songs with a favorite partner. i begin to feel a twinge. i suppress it, but the music and the connection overwhelm me and take over. i swallow hard, trying to contain the rush, trying to control it. but i succumb.
i stop in the middle of the floor, unable to take another step, convulsing, breathing hard, 5, 15, 30 seconds, every tick of the clock, wanting to walk but unable to, knowing that as soon as i move, i would burst into tears. i am embarrassed and relieved at the same time.
finally able to move, i finish the song. with cracked voice and puffed eyes, i thank her.
vibes
dear diary,
i was frustrated that i could not find harmony with the roomful of exuberant dancers. (or was it the people in the room were not in harmony??)
it wasn't because the floor was crowded. i enjoy crowded space now. it's challenging... when the world around me is predictable... or when the world is unpredictable in a fun way. i got the sense that people were listening to music in very very different ways. and, well, instead of flow, i felt turbulence all around, everywhere.
i stood and watched, even when it was music that i loved. i wanted to go into the crowd. but i felt an invisible force along the edge of the floor, repelling me, pushing and bumping me, keeping me out.
- - -
since i wasn't dancing, i chatted. you know what? a bunch of people felt the strangeness in the air too... maybe it wasn't just me.
sad...
gancho
(funny thing is, i am learning gancho right now... ha ha ha ha ha)
((once again, thanks to Johanna for finding this.))
nervous heart
dear diary,
i first spied her many months ago in her home town. the entire night, i watched her lead, beautifully, tanda after tanda.
at the festival, i spotted her again. i wanted badly to ask her to lead me. gutless...
the next night, i waited until she was about to walk off the floor to take a rare break, and approached her.
"would you like to lead me?"
she looks at me, with an uncomfortable expression, "if you are not a follower, i won't... if you don't follow well... "
"20 seconds" i say, "then, if it's bad, please, feel free to just walk away."
a long pause. "i will dance one song with you, because you asked. but only one."
"fantastic!"
(only at this time do i realize what i have done. my heart pounds, i am flushed with heat. i can barely breath. i don't hear the music. i just feel woozy and scared out of my mind. i could not still my heart and my mind, to listen to her... i was, simply put, awful awful awful.)
at the end of the song... "you are a good follower. are you a teacher?"
i burst out laughing. "no no no. i just love to follow."
"thank you so much for dancing with me." i said, at the end of the song, grateful for her generosity.
i first spied her many months ago in her home town. the entire night, i watched her lead, beautifully, tanda after tanda.
at the festival, i spotted her again. i wanted badly to ask her to lead me. gutless...
the next night, i waited until she was about to walk off the floor to take a rare break, and approached her.
"would you like to lead me?"
she looks at me, with an uncomfortable expression, "if you are not a follower, i won't... if you don't follow well... "
"20 seconds" i say, "then, if it's bad, please, feel free to just walk away."
a long pause. "i will dance one song with you, because you asked. but only one."
"fantastic!"
(only at this time do i realize what i have done. my heart pounds, i am flushed with heat. i can barely breath. i don't hear the music. i just feel woozy and scared out of my mind. i could not still my heart and my mind, to listen to her... i was, simply put, awful awful awful.)
at the end of the song... "you are a good follower. are you a teacher?"
i burst out laughing. "no no no. i just love to follow."
"thank you so much for dancing with me." i said, at the end of the song, grateful for her generosity.
dream
some nights are like a dream from which you don't want to wake...
-
once, after a set that was such a dream, i shook my head in awkward disbelief. what does one say in this moment??? she hugged me.
for the remainder of that night, i could not go back to ask her to dance, because, how could i dare ask for another perfect moment? was it possible to have two perfect moments?
replay replay replay
i play this tune, over and over again. sigh...
-
Buscándote
Vagar...
Con el cansancio de mi eterno andar,
Tristeza amarga de la soledad Ansias
enormes de llegar.
Sabrás...
Que por la vida fui buscándote,
Que mis ensueños sin querer vencÃ
Que en algún cruce los dejé.
Mi andar apresuré
Con la esperanza de encontrarte a ti,
Largos caminos hilvané
Leguas y leguas recorrà por ti.
Después que entre tus brazos Pueda descansar,
Si lo prefieres volveré a marchar
Por mi camino de ayer.
-
Wandering...
With the exhaustion of my eternal rovings,
With the bitter sorrow of solitude,
With overwhelming anxiety to reach you.
You should know
That I have spent my life searching for you
That I conquered my dreams without wanting to
That I left them at some crossing.
I pushed ahead
With the hope of finding you,
I hurried down long roads
Miles and miles I covered for you.
Afterwards in your arms I can rest,
But if you want I will head out again
On my path of yesterday.
- Translation by Shannon Costello
-
Buscándote
Vagar...
Con el cansancio de mi eterno andar,
Tristeza amarga de la soledad Ansias
enormes de llegar.
Sabrás...
Que por la vida fui buscándote,
Que mis ensueños sin querer vencÃ
Que en algún cruce los dejé.
Mi andar apresuré
Con la esperanza de encontrarte a ti,
Largos caminos hilvané
Leguas y leguas recorrà por ti.
Después que entre tus brazos Pueda descansar,
Si lo prefieres volveré a marchar
Por mi camino de ayer.
-
Wandering...
With the exhaustion of my eternal rovings,
With the bitter sorrow of solitude,
With overwhelming anxiety to reach you.
You should know
That I have spent my life searching for you
That I conquered my dreams without wanting to
That I left them at some crossing.
I pushed ahead
With the hope of finding you,
I hurried down long roads
Miles and miles I covered for you.
Afterwards in your arms I can rest,
But if you want I will head out again
On my path of yesterday.
- Translation by Shannon Costello
from darkness to light
dear spirit de tango,
thank you for listening to me. thank you for showing me the joy, the bliss, the pure ecstasy in the countless countless countless breathtaking moments last night.
in time, i will accept that you are fickle.
thank you for listening to me. thank you for showing me the joy, the bliss, the pure ecstasy in the countless countless countless breathtaking moments last night.
in time, i will accept that you are fickle.
groan is good in judo
during practice, a novice worked on a take-down, in which i was the take-downee (she was Tori, I, Uke.) as i fell onto my back, she followed me down to the mat, transitioned into matwork, and then, to a pin. i groaned loudly (HEY it hurt), because she (as instructed) inflicted great discomfort into my rib cage. she released immediately, fear in her eyes, asked me whether i was ok. i replied, "YES! groan is good. you want to hear groans from your opponent." to this, the instructor (of this move) said, "yes. you see, he could stop the pain anytime, if only he would just let you win."
heh heh...
-
the black-and-blue spots on my body from two weeks ago (unrelated to the above fun times) have healed to a more pleasant pale-green.
heh heh...
-
the black-and-blue spots on my body from two weeks ago (unrelated to the above fun times) have healed to a more pleasant pale-green.
random
when i attend a festival (there have only been a few), in the midst of fantastic dancers, something happens to me that transforms my dance to a new level. this change is permanent.
over the weekend, another transformation. i felt the ENERGETIC STEPS, the kind that felt to me, and which i transmit to my partner, a powerful OOOMPH to every beat of the music. my teachers described this over a year ago. of course, with many things they say to me, i understand them much much later.
happy...
-
a follower accepted my invitation. she was a very comfortable and very good dancer. at the end of the first song, i saw her looking around. she looked bored. between the songs, she did not look at me, and she was not interested in conversation. (the truth is, i am not really into chatting between songs. so in general, the silence doesn't bother me. it is the kind of silence that can be uncomfortable.)
it was a depressing moment. i wondered for a long time, whether it would have been better to just end the set early, rather than being mutually polite. just not sure.
-
sigh...
over the weekend, another transformation. i felt the ENERGETIC STEPS, the kind that felt to me, and which i transmit to my partner, a powerful OOOMPH to every beat of the music. my teachers described this over a year ago. of course, with many things they say to me, i understand them much much later.
happy...
-
a follower accepted my invitation. she was a very comfortable and very good dancer. at the end of the first song, i saw her looking around. she looked bored. between the songs, she did not look at me, and she was not interested in conversation. (the truth is, i am not really into chatting between songs. so in general, the silence doesn't bother me. it is the kind of silence that can be uncomfortable.)
it was a depressing moment. i wondered for a long time, whether it would have been better to just end the set early, rather than being mutually polite. just not sure.
-
sigh...
blech
dear diary,
my knee continues to hurt. i keep dancing, because i am restless if i don't.
i have so many bad thoughts about the tango right now, about some kinds of people and their behaviors, about my physical pain, about uncomfortable social situations... ugh.
... story of a friend, who had never, until now, experienced the horror of sitting through an entire night without dance, reminds me of the dark side.
... so many dark feelings, none that i can share, but i suspect you already know what i cannot say, or worse, await your discovery.
my knee continues to hurt. i keep dancing, because i am restless if i don't.
i have so many bad thoughts about the tango right now, about some kinds of people and their behaviors, about my physical pain, about uncomfortable social situations... ugh.
... story of a friend, who had never, until now, experienced the horror of sitting through an entire night without dance, reminds me of the dark side.
... so many dark feelings, none that i can share, but i suspect you already know what i cannot say, or worse, await your discovery.
My Work-in-Progress Alternative Sets
Here is my (almost current) working list of alternative sets, from a base of about 1,000 candidate alternative tracks. Many "sets" are one-sies and two-sies looking for their mates. Over time, and with a lot of patience, I hav been able to fill some voids. (The search never ends.) I have not tried all songs in the "real" environment. Some are beautiful, but I just have not the time to find the complementary traditional sets. So they sit and wait in the queue.
A number of sets can be found in the various playlists on this blog, within context of the traditional music. I think that I have become better. I like my recent lists much much much more than those from a couple of years ago.
You may notice that a song may appear in a number of sets, if I think that it fits in some way. A set of more than three songs means that any combination of three or four may work. Or, it could just mean that I am still tinkering. By the way, for every one song I keep, I probably discard dozens.
Many of these songs appear in other fantastic online repositories of alternative tango music (see my playlist links on the right). I have tried to find and listen to as many songs as possible in those lists.
Alas, I have mixed success getting great tracks from Europe. If they are not in my list here, either they have not worked their way into it from my base set, or I could not find them from sources available to me, or I have listened to them, and they are "not me."
What is a lot of fun for me are the challenges in weaving the traditionals with the alternatives. If you were to see me working on a playlist, you would see a nutcase repeatedly playing tracks, to see if the transitions work, to see if it feels right, as I move in and out of the sets. I have some crude rules that have seemed to work pretty well. For example, some kinds of alternatives work great before (or after) Canaro.
I love to look at the dancers' eyes during the transitions. If they do that Spock-eyebrow thing, then it didn't work. On the other hand, if they smile, and almost nod with their body, then it is simply the best.
Thanks to Sasha who introduced me to Wax Tailor. I love to know about your list!
A number of sets can be found in the various playlists on this blog, within context of the traditional music. I think that I have become better. I like my recent lists much much much more than those from a couple of years ago.
You may notice that a song may appear in a number of sets, if I think that it fits in some way. A set of more than three songs means that any combination of three or four may work. Or, it could just mean that I am still tinkering. By the way, for every one song I keep, I probably discard dozens.
Many of these songs appear in other fantastic online repositories of alternative tango music (see my playlist links on the right). I have tried to find and listen to as many songs as possible in those lists.
Alas, I have mixed success getting great tracks from Europe. If they are not in my list here, either they have not worked their way into it from my base set, or I could not find them from sources available to me, or I have listened to them, and they are "not me."
What is a lot of fun for me are the challenges in weaving the traditionals with the alternatives. If you were to see me working on a playlist, you would see a nutcase repeatedly playing tracks, to see if the transitions work, to see if it feels right, as I move in and out of the sets. I have some crude rules that have seemed to work pretty well. For example, some kinds of alternatives work great before (or after) Canaro.
I love to look at the dancers' eyes during the transitions. If they do that Spock-eyebrow thing, then it didn't work. On the other hand, if they smile, and almost nod with their body, then it is simply the best.
Thanks to Sasha who introduced me to Wax Tailor. I love to know about your list!
fun
tanguero friend: "you know, i was trying to match my steps with yours..."
me: "ha! I WAS trying to match you!"
(thinking...)
me: "ah, i see. when i was behind you, i matched you. and, as we both turned, you were then behind me, and you followed me! this is too much fun."
me: "ha! I WAS trying to match you!"
(thinking...)
me: "ah, i see. when i was behind you, i matched you. and, as we both turned, you were then behind me, and you followed me! this is too much fun."
trust, believe, and love
friend: "the festival was a humbling experience."
me: "?"
friend: "well, i was upset that i could not be good enough for the leaders."
me: (silence)
friend: "it's easier when i am dancing with someone at my level."
me: (silence)
friend: "you don't agree?"
me: "it's not the way i think."
friend: "?"
me: "i have danced with incredibly talented and skilled partners, and with those who have just begun their journey. you know what's the most important thing for me?"
friend: "?"
me: "in the few minutes that we share on the floor, i feel, with certainty, that my partner trusts me, believes me, and loves me."
friend: "you are kidding."
me: "?"
friend: "well, i was upset that i could not be good enough for the leaders."
me: (silence)
friend: "it's easier when i am dancing with someone at my level."
me: (silence)
friend: "you don't agree?"
me: "it's not the way i think."
friend: "?"
me: "i have danced with incredibly talented and skilled partners, and with those who have just begun their journey. you know what's the most important thing for me?"
friend: "?"
me: "in the few minutes that we share on the floor, i feel, with certainty, that my partner trusts me, believes me, and loves me."
friend: "you are kidding."
pain
dear diary,
the side of my knee hurts. not the knee. but the tissue on the inside of my right knee hurts, like something is stretched, or torn.
sigh... does this stop me from dancing? of course not.
i hope this means that i am dancing too much, and not that i am dancing incorrectly. i think it's the latter. i am upset about this. did i take a short cut somewhere, in my technique, so that my body is finally getting around to complain, to warn me?
not good.
the side of my knee hurts. not the knee. but the tissue on the inside of my right knee hurts, like something is stretched, or torn.
sigh... does this stop me from dancing? of course not.
i hope this means that i am dancing too much, and not that i am dancing incorrectly. i think it's the latter. i am upset about this. did i take a short cut somewhere, in my technique, so that my body is finally getting around to complain, to warn me?
not good.
contrast
i am on travel, of course, with shoes in my pack.
it's awkward being a guest. i don't know anyone, and no one knows me.
in the course of the night, i dance with two fantastic women, both (i found out later) teachers. by fantastic, i really mean that they are both accomplished, elegant, fluid...
my experience with them... with one, the connection is sublime, emotional, to the point that after each song, as we wait for the next, i strain to hold back tears. with another, clinical. i feel that she challenges me, as if i am a student, and that when i am not crisp enough, then she shows me that i had made a mistake. all this, of course, without words, but simply in the responses of her body, her steps, to my invitations. she does none of this harshly. nonetheless, i feel uncomfortable.
-
within a set, between songs, a desire, a longing to begin the next, versus accounting the time until a proper and respectful disengagement.
it's awkward being a guest. i don't know anyone, and no one knows me.
in the course of the night, i dance with two fantastic women, both (i found out later) teachers. by fantastic, i really mean that they are both accomplished, elegant, fluid...
my experience with them... with one, the connection is sublime, emotional, to the point that after each song, as we wait for the next, i strain to hold back tears. with another, clinical. i feel that she challenges me, as if i am a student, and that when i am not crisp enough, then she shows me that i had made a mistake. all this, of course, without words, but simply in the responses of her body, her steps, to my invitations. she does none of this harshly. nonetheless, i feel uncomfortable.
-
within a set, between songs, a desire, a longing to begin the next, versus accounting the time until a proper and respectful disengagement.
glorious week
dear diary,
i danced many nights this past week. it was a blissful week. many many many incredible moments on the dance floor.
...
lomyl and i have been thinking and reading about compassion, love, empathy, and acceptance.
without conscious thoughts, i brought all of this into my dance, last week.
i experienced bliss.
i danced many nights this past week. it was a blissful week. many many many incredible moments on the dance floor.
...
lomyl and i have been thinking and reading about compassion, love, empathy, and acceptance.
without conscious thoughts, i brought all of this into my dance, last week.
i experienced bliss.
drill
dear diary,
i like working from home. i get to do strange things during mental breaks. with my bad back, i have to force myself to stand up and walk around, otherwise mr. pain pays me a visit.
anyway, i have been thinking about dissociation a lot a lot. i figure i can do something about it.
i move my very cool audioengine a5 into the living room, play my favorite canaro set, and practice forward ochos. i am mindful of my body. i begin the coil from my shoulder, and feel the twist slide down my body, through my hip, down my legs, and finally through my ankle, my foot. it feels really really cool. (i have better balance on my left than on my right. go figure.)
i like it when my teachers' words are no longer abstract. i like it that my body has feelings that i can attach to those words.
kbye.
i like working from home. i get to do strange things during mental breaks. with my bad back, i have to force myself to stand up and walk around, otherwise mr. pain pays me a visit.
anyway, i have been thinking about dissociation a lot a lot. i figure i can do something about it.
i move my very cool audioengine a5 into the living room, play my favorite canaro set, and practice forward ochos. i am mindful of my body. i begin the coil from my shoulder, and feel the twist slide down my body, through my hip, down my legs, and finally through my ankle, my foot. it feels really really cool. (i have better balance on my left than on my right. go figure.)
i like it when my teachers' words are no longer abstract. i like it that my body has feelings that i can attach to those words.
kbye.
difficult material
i have been learning new material over the past few months. it has been frustrating, but in a very good way. my body struggles to experience, just once or twice, the "right" feelings. they have been elusive, very elusive.
it is not intellectual. it never is. my body needs to feel "it." then my body understands.
in class last night, a few people (not friends), came to me and offered supportive words. it must have been obvious, on my face, the struggles within my body (to feel) and in my mind (to not think).
... as long as i am not developing bad habits, and that i am on the right track, i don't really care how long it takes. i am patient like that.
-
so you want to know what was kicking my butt? ok. DISSOCIATION.
it's one thing to keep upper body still, and move lower body. or, to move upper body and keep lower body still. last night, i needed to move my upper body SLOWER than my lower body (of course, ALSO do this while I moved to the music, to the beat, be balanced, have good posture, breath, and not to off-balance my partner).
difficult. very difficult.
-
there was a moment of light. i was both a follower and leader. at the end of an exercise, when the instructor asked the class for feedback, my leader blurted out (and pointing to me), "he is an incredible follower."
-
and so it goes. the tango is cool like that.
it is not intellectual. it never is. my body needs to feel "it." then my body understands.
in class last night, a few people (not friends), came to me and offered supportive words. it must have been obvious, on my face, the struggles within my body (to feel) and in my mind (to not think).
... as long as i am not developing bad habits, and that i am on the right track, i don't really care how long it takes. i am patient like that.
-
so you want to know what was kicking my butt? ok. DISSOCIATION.
it's one thing to keep upper body still, and move lower body. or, to move upper body and keep lower body still. last night, i needed to move my upper body SLOWER than my lower body (of course, ALSO do this while I moved to the music, to the beat, be balanced, have good posture, breath, and not to off-balance my partner).
difficult. very difficult.
-
there was a moment of light. i was both a follower and leader. at the end of an exercise, when the instructor asked the class for feedback, my leader blurted out (and pointing to me), "he is an incredible follower."
-
and so it goes. the tango is cool like that.
unfinished conversations
i greet a friend, who is just putting on her shoes. we continue a conversation (one of several open threads) from some time ago. among my tango friends, there are dozens of unfinished conversations.
anyway, we sat through a couple of songs. then, the last song of the set is one of my favorites. (obviously) i can't concentrate anymore. [pause conversation] i ask her whether she would dance with me. she agrees.
maybe next time.
anyway, we sat through a couple of songs. then, the last song of the set is one of my favorites. (obviously) i can't concentrate anymore. [pause conversation] i ask her whether she would dance with me. she agrees.
maybe next time.
maybe next year
i have wanted to dance with this tanguera for some time. she always seemed so content and peaceful.
i asked her last year. she politely declined.
i asked her not so long ago. again, she politely declined.
i guess i will try again next year.
i asked her last year. she politely declined.
i asked her not so long ago. again, she politely declined.
i guess i will try again next year.
stillness
dear diary,
for 5 minutes this morning, lying next to lomyl, i experienced complete, total, absolute... stillness.
for 5 minutes, the world was still. i, my mind, my body, my energy, all of me, quiet and still.
there were few other moments just like this morning, in all the years that i have been alive.
i was grateful.
for 5 minutes this morning, lying next to lomyl, i experienced complete, total, absolute... stillness.
for 5 minutes, the world was still. i, my mind, my body, my energy, all of me, quiet and still.
there were few other moments just like this morning, in all the years that i have been alive.
i was grateful.
april 14 2009 alternative milonga playlist
play time: 3 hours 44 minutes
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