dear diary,
i like working from home. i get to do strange things during mental breaks. with my bad back, i have to force myself to stand up and walk around, otherwise mr. pain pays me a visit.
anyway, i have been thinking about dissociation a lot a lot. i figure i can do something about it.
i move my very cool audioengine a5 into the living room, play my favorite canaro set, and practice forward ochos. i am mindful of my body. i begin the coil from my shoulder, and feel the twist slide down my body, through my hip, down my legs, and finally through my ankle, my foot. it feels really really cool. (i have better balance on my left than on my right. go figure.)
i like it when my teachers' words are no longer abstract. i like it that my body has feelings that i can attach to those words.
kbye.
difficult material
i have been learning new material over the past few months. it has been frustrating, but in a very good way. my body struggles to experience, just once or twice, the "right" feelings. they have been elusive, very elusive.
it is not intellectual. it never is. my body needs to feel "it." then my body understands.
in class last night, a few people (not friends), came to me and offered supportive words. it must have been obvious, on my face, the struggles within my body (to feel) and in my mind (to not think).
... as long as i am not developing bad habits, and that i am on the right track, i don't really care how long it takes. i am patient like that.
-
so you want to know what was kicking my butt? ok. DISSOCIATION.
it's one thing to keep upper body still, and move lower body. or, to move upper body and keep lower body still. last night, i needed to move my upper body SLOWER than my lower body (of course, ALSO do this while I moved to the music, to the beat, be balanced, have good posture, breath, and not to off-balance my partner).
difficult. very difficult.
-
there was a moment of light. i was both a follower and leader. at the end of an exercise, when the instructor asked the class for feedback, my leader blurted out (and pointing to me), "he is an incredible follower."
-
and so it goes. the tango is cool like that.
it is not intellectual. it never is. my body needs to feel "it." then my body understands.
in class last night, a few people (not friends), came to me and offered supportive words. it must have been obvious, on my face, the struggles within my body (to feel) and in my mind (to not think).
... as long as i am not developing bad habits, and that i am on the right track, i don't really care how long it takes. i am patient like that.
-
so you want to know what was kicking my butt? ok. DISSOCIATION.
it's one thing to keep upper body still, and move lower body. or, to move upper body and keep lower body still. last night, i needed to move my upper body SLOWER than my lower body (of course, ALSO do this while I moved to the music, to the beat, be balanced, have good posture, breath, and not to off-balance my partner).
difficult. very difficult.
-
there was a moment of light. i was both a follower and leader. at the end of an exercise, when the instructor asked the class for feedback, my leader blurted out (and pointing to me), "he is an incredible follower."
-
and so it goes. the tango is cool like that.
unfinished conversations
i greet a friend, who is just putting on her shoes. we continue a conversation (one of several open threads) from some time ago. among my tango friends, there are dozens of unfinished conversations.
anyway, we sat through a couple of songs. then, the last song of the set is one of my favorites. (obviously) i can't concentrate anymore. [pause conversation] i ask her whether she would dance with me. she agrees.
maybe next time.
anyway, we sat through a couple of songs. then, the last song of the set is one of my favorites. (obviously) i can't concentrate anymore. [pause conversation] i ask her whether she would dance with me. she agrees.
maybe next time.
maybe next year
i have wanted to dance with this tanguera for some time. she always seemed so content and peaceful.
i asked her last year. she politely declined.
i asked her not so long ago. again, she politely declined.
i guess i will try again next year.
i asked her last year. she politely declined.
i asked her not so long ago. again, she politely declined.
i guess i will try again next year.
stillness
dear diary,
for 5 minutes this morning, lying next to lomyl, i experienced complete, total, absolute... stillness.
for 5 minutes, the world was still. i, my mind, my body, my energy, all of me, quiet and still.
there were few other moments just like this morning, in all the years that i have been alive.
i was grateful.
for 5 minutes this morning, lying next to lomyl, i experienced complete, total, absolute... stillness.
for 5 minutes, the world was still. i, my mind, my body, my energy, all of me, quiet and still.
there were few other moments just like this morning, in all the years that i have been alive.
i was grateful.
april 14 2009 alternative milonga playlist
play time: 3 hours 44 minutes
perfect
when everything is just right,
the place,
the people,
the partner,
the music,
when everything is in alignment,
i merely have a feeling, and my partner responds exactly
as i imagine,
as i desire.
the place,
the people,
the partner,
the music,
when everything is in alignment,
i merely have a feeling, and my partner responds exactly
as i imagine,
as i desire.
social dance
dear diary,
sometimes i think the tango would be so much nicer if we never exchanged names, if we never talked, if we never exchanged pleasantries, if we simply danced and enjoyed the moments.
there would be no awkward moments...
it's just that, well, we are social animals. i don't know that it would be possible to be in a social dance and NOT participate in social rituals.
but, to what extent, to be social?
i suppose that i want only the GOOD in social, and none of the NOT-GOOD in social. i am unreasonable, i know.
i have heard people say, "i go dancing to have a good time." of course! who wants to go to a party to have a bad time? but the tango, it is very strange. i do it, more than "to have a good time." i am drawn to it, to feel the embrace of another human being, to feel the warmth of another body, to lose myself into the music, to not think (and just be), to trust completely, to be vulnerable. all of this, all of it, i want.
but, this is so painful for me: to see an angry face, an unhappy face, a sad face, because your seat is much too warm, having sat on it for too long.
sometimes i think the tango would be so much nicer if we never exchanged names, if we never talked, if we never exchanged pleasantries, if we simply danced and enjoyed the moments.
there would be no awkward moments...
it's just that, well, we are social animals. i don't know that it would be possible to be in a social dance and NOT participate in social rituals.
but, to what extent, to be social?
i suppose that i want only the GOOD in social, and none of the NOT-GOOD in social. i am unreasonable, i know.
i have heard people say, "i go dancing to have a good time." of course! who wants to go to a party to have a bad time? but the tango, it is very strange. i do it, more than "to have a good time." i am drawn to it, to feel the embrace of another human being, to feel the warmth of another body, to lose myself into the music, to not think (and just be), to trust completely, to be vulnerable. all of this, all of it, i want.
but, this is so painful for me: to see an angry face, an unhappy face, a sad face, because your seat is much too warm, having sat on it for too long.
representation
everyone at works knows about my passion for the tango. in deep intellectual discussion about my different research problems, they know that i will draw connections to this crazy little tango world.
recently i have begun my journey into a more technical area of the tango. (what do you expect from an engineer?) i am learning ways to modify the music, to remove "noise." because i am surrounded by really smart people, i ask them about the mathematics and information theories behind sound. someone comes into my office, he knows that he won't get away without answering another question on sound.
anyway, i cannot understand this: SOUND is just a bunch of SINE WAVES.
AAARRRRRGHHHH!!!!
how can something so beautiful, so mesmerizing, so warm, be just that???
my office mate says, "i know, blows your mind doesn't it? how can a symphony be represented, be reduced to a bunch of sine waves?"
--
NEWS FLASH: a quantum physicist just handed me a paper on impedance matching, because he overheard a conversation from yesterday, in which another colleague, an electrical engineer, was trying to explain the importance of impedance in audio reproduction. i think i will need to take a sabbatical from work, and go back to school... again.
recently i have begun my journey into a more technical area of the tango. (what do you expect from an engineer?) i am learning ways to modify the music, to remove "noise." because i am surrounded by really smart people, i ask them about the mathematics and information theories behind sound. someone comes into my office, he knows that he won't get away without answering another question on sound.
anyway, i cannot understand this: SOUND is just a bunch of SINE WAVES.
AAARRRRRGHHHH!!!!
how can something so beautiful, so mesmerizing, so warm, be just that???
my office mate says, "i know, blows your mind doesn't it? how can a symphony be represented, be reduced to a bunch of sine waves?"
--
NEWS FLASH: a quantum physicist just handed me a paper on impedance matching, because he overheard a conversation from yesterday, in which another colleague, an electrical engineer, was trying to explain the importance of impedance in audio reproduction. i think i will need to take a sabbatical from work, and go back to school... again.
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