dear diary,
i have not danced with her before. i watched for a bit, and then, when she became available, i asked her to dance. after the first song, the usual "uncomfortable-because-i-don't-know-what-to-say" chitchat. after the second song, i detected in her a twinge of lingering. then as the third song of the set ends, she held our embrace, dropping any pretenses.
talk about a boost to my confidence.
awesome.
inner voice
(after a wonderful set)
tanguera: "that was great... i thought you were angry with me."
me: "huh?"
tanguera: "well, we haven't danced in a while, i thought because you were upset with me."
me: "why in the world would you think that?"
tanguera: "..."
tanguera: "that was great... i thought you were angry with me."
me: "huh?"
tanguera: "well, we haven't danced in a while, i thought because you were upset with me."
me: "why in the world would you think that?"
tanguera: "..."
tired
dear diary,
i am tired. i am afraid of everything. it is exhausting, this fear thing. on my way to the milonga, i was jittery. i could not find a calm place for my mind.
tango doesn't fix everything...
i am tired. i am afraid of everything. it is exhausting, this fear thing. on my way to the milonga, i was jittery. i could not find a calm place for my mind.
tango doesn't fix everything...
sigh as punishment
dear diary,
i can't tell you how many times my tanguera friends tell me about being punished for their "mistakes." every time, i am incredulous. of course, they are tactful, and don't identify these wonderfully considerate assholes. finally, i ask, "but i can't see the punishment from the outside. so it must be subtle right?"
and then i remember that many tell me of the SIGH. the asshole (woops did i write that out loud again?) sighs when his partner "makes a mistake."
WTF!
-
i wonder... what does a woman say/do, to punish back? ok ok ok that's not helpful. but, seriously, how to convert the asshole into a gentle and kind soul? it's possible, right? right? right?
i can't tell you how many times my tanguera friends tell me about being punished for their "mistakes." every time, i am incredulous. of course, they are tactful, and don't identify these wonderfully considerate assholes. finally, i ask, "but i can't see the punishment from the outside. so it must be subtle right?"
and then i remember that many tell me of the SIGH. the asshole (woops did i write that out loud again?) sighs when his partner "makes a mistake."
WTF!
-
i wonder... what does a woman say/do, to punish back? ok ok ok that's not helpful. but, seriously, how to convert the asshole into a gentle and kind soul? it's possible, right? right? right?
shudder
dear diary,
i dj'ed. i was happy with the music. i was happy with people happy with the music. a number of my favorite partners in the room. i waited, hoping that K!wobo would be available, to ask her for the De Caro set that would end with Aníbal Troilo. By the third song of the tanda, I knew the notes that would be forthcoming. I was afraid.
last night, i was emotionally vulnerable. i knew it. raw. events in my life. at first, relief. and then, more worries.
i guess that i had planned the music, for relief. i don't know.
and then the song began... i told myself to trust her. i allowed the emotion to rise. my body shuddered. i could not. i wanted to. but i could not. i simply held on to her, accepted that she knew i had surrendered.
i could barely look into her eyes. i did not want to reveal my quivering face, as we parted.
i dj'ed. i was happy with the music. i was happy with people happy with the music. a number of my favorite partners in the room. i waited, hoping that K!wobo would be available, to ask her for the De Caro set that would end with Aníbal Troilo. By the third song of the tanda, I knew the notes that would be forthcoming. I was afraid.
last night, i was emotionally vulnerable. i knew it. raw. events in my life. at first, relief. and then, more worries.
i guess that i had planned the music, for relief. i don't know.
and then the song began... i told myself to trust her. i allowed the emotion to rise. my body shuddered. i could not. i wanted to. but i could not. i simply held on to her, accepted that she knew i had surrendered.
i could barely look into her eyes. i did not want to reveal my quivering face, as we parted.
snoot
dear diary,
they sit for hours. arrive with hope and smiles. dance perhaps once. their faces darken. then they leave.
are the people who dance, and who do not invite the "sitters," unfriendly, or worse, snooty????
i am one of them. i don't invite. i used to...
i guess you will judge me badly. but you see, i have danced with them in the past. they were not comfortable, not enjoyable, not fun.
lomyl tells me that it's a mistake to want everyone to like me...
they sit for hours. arrive with hope and smiles. dance perhaps once. their faces darken. then they leave.
are the people who dance, and who do not invite the "sitters," unfriendly, or worse, snooty????
i am one of them. i don't invite. i used to...
i guess you will judge me badly. but you see, i have danced with them in the past. they were not comfortable, not enjoyable, not fun.
lomyl tells me that it's a mistake to want everyone to like me...
choice
at the festival, a big big crowd.
they open a second floor adjacent to the "main" floor.
to choose: be seen, or to fly?
FLY.
they open a second floor adjacent to the "main" floor.
to choose: be seen, or to fly?
FLY.
sidelined
dear diary,
almost two months ago, i started to study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). At first, I was quite concerned that my sparring partners would injure me. My elbow having been snapped a long time ago, it would be extremely sensitive to BJJ's trademark dislocation techniques.
i was also quite out-of-shape. frankly, i did not think that i would last long before becoming sidelined with an injury, and before i could regain some physical condition. at my first workout, i could only spar for 5 minutes before total exhaustion. but, last week, i finally began to trust. and, not only did i last for the entire 90 minute workout, i sparred for 15 minutes. of course, i almost fainted after that. but, it was fantastic fantastic.
on a roll, until i became quite weak, debilitated, on friday. i am getting better, but i can only do things (anything: walk, talk, eat) for a few minutes at a time, and then i would have to rest. i haven't been to work, because i have no energy at all. i read on the internet that it may be six weeks before i recover fully. great. just what my fragile mind that is always full of anxieties and panics needs...
shit.
almost two months ago, i started to study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). At first, I was quite concerned that my sparring partners would injure me. My elbow having been snapped a long time ago, it would be extremely sensitive to BJJ's trademark dislocation techniques.
i was also quite out-of-shape. frankly, i did not think that i would last long before becoming sidelined with an injury, and before i could regain some physical condition. at my first workout, i could only spar for 5 minutes before total exhaustion. but, last week, i finally began to trust. and, not only did i last for the entire 90 minute workout, i sparred for 15 minutes. of course, i almost fainted after that. but, it was fantastic fantastic.
on a roll, until i became quite weak, debilitated, on friday. i am getting better, but i can only do things (anything: walk, talk, eat) for a few minutes at a time, and then i would have to rest. i haven't been to work, because i have no energy at all. i read on the internet that it may be six weeks before i recover fully. great. just what my fragile mind that is always full of anxieties and panics needs...
shit.
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