me: "would you like to dance?"
she: "no thank you."
--
not very long ago, i would have received this as a rejection, and i would have felt badly for a very long time (like, forever). now, i don't feel bad or sad or angry or upset or small or embarrassed or insulted.
freedom.
Wide Open
dear diary,
The ordinary sounds in my life have become a jumbled mess that grind away my sanity. My senses open wide wide wide, as i immerse into the tango, and as i find more meaning in the music. What used to be blocked now find themselves a free ticket into my brain and grate grate grate my spirit my soul.
No one told me about this.
The ordinary sounds in my life have become a jumbled mess that grind away my sanity. My senses open wide wide wide, as i immerse into the tango, and as i find more meaning in the music. What used to be blocked now find themselves a free ticket into my brain and grate grate grate my spirit my soul.
No one told me about this.
you can't lie
(i return from a "quiet" spot, to rejoin lomyl.)
a friend sitting next to us: "would you like to dance, or do you want to wait a set?"
me: "i am sorry. i need to have a moment to return. i just had an incredible dance with lomyl, and i am still in a trance."
(eleven hours after the milonga, i remain in the trance. lomyl and i talked about our shared moment.)
lomyl: "you can't lie to tango. our dance reflects our emotional connection."
...
(completely unrelated. or is everything connected somewhere somehow)
me: "last night, i was in total command of my body."
lomyl: "and mine too."
me: "nope. i was in total command of my body. i could only offer suggestions to yours."
...
(another meandering piece of memory)
lomyl: "you think i would like dancing with him?"
me: "yes, he is a despot."
a friend sitting next to us: "would you like to dance, or do you want to wait a set?"
me: "i am sorry. i need to have a moment to return. i just had an incredible dance with lomyl, and i am still in a trance."
(eleven hours after the milonga, i remain in the trance. lomyl and i talked about our shared moment.)
lomyl: "you can't lie to tango. our dance reflects our emotional connection."
...
(completely unrelated. or is everything connected somewhere somehow)
me: "last night, i was in total command of my body."
lomyl: "and mine too."
me: "nope. i was in total command of my body. i could only offer suggestions to yours."
...
(another meandering piece of memory)
lomyl: "you think i would like dancing with him?"
me: "yes, he is a despot."
attraction
(i am at an out-of-town milonga.)
she: "today is my birthday!"
me: "yay! happy birthday!"
she: "you are my first dance."
me: "wow! i guess this would be your first birthday dance of the night."
...
she: "so, how old are you?"
me: "huh? HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
she: "i am 52."
me: "you are kidding me."
she: "i asked you because, well, you look... like you are barely 20."
me (still dazed): "you are 52?"
she (smiles): "why? how old did you think i am?"
me: "i thought you were 25."
---
our dance was lovely...
she emanated, without consciously trying, the kind of attraction that draws you in and cuddles you and you feel giddy and happy. you are compelled to look at her, just look at her. all that you know is that you look at her and you are happy. and yet, at the same time, you feel sheepishly guilty about it, because you feel as if you are witnessing something that you should not.
later that night, as she began to tire, i had a glimpse of her true physical age, and in that moment, i wished that i had known her forever.
we danced again, for my last set.
she: "today is my birthday!"
me: "yay! happy birthday!"
she: "you are my first dance."
me: "wow! i guess this would be your first birthday dance of the night."
...
she: "so, how old are you?"
me: "huh? HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
she: "i am 52."
me: "you are kidding me."
she: "i asked you because, well, you look... like you are barely 20."
me (still dazed): "you are 52?"
she (smiles): "why? how old did you think i am?"
me: "i thought you were 25."
---
our dance was lovely...
she emanated, without consciously trying, the kind of attraction that draws you in and cuddles you and you feel giddy and happy. you are compelled to look at her, just look at her. all that you know is that you look at her and you are happy. and yet, at the same time, you feel sheepishly guilty about it, because you feel as if you are witnessing something that you should not.
later that night, as she began to tire, i had a glimpse of her true physical age, and in that moment, i wished that i had known her forever.
we danced again, for my last set.
wanting both
Yesterday, I wrote about teaching the kids wrestling techniques. I then found this video. The mat work is simply superb. The moves were so good that I fidgeted with nervous tics as I watched it.
Judo has been in my life for almost 19 years, leaving behind scars from many encounters. My body feels, before I can think about it, the weaknesses in my opponents, and jumps on these opportunities. I love these moments, but I don't crave them, because they are painful.
(I wonder if you are repulsed by the video.)
Here is the thing: I am still in love with Judo. And I am infatuatingly and passionately in love with Tango. I love the primitive aggressions in the wrestling, and I love the equally primitive, but sweet sweet sweet physical contacts of Tango.
My body wants and needs both...
Judo has been in my life for almost 19 years, leaving behind scars from many encounters. My body feels, before I can think about it, the weaknesses in my opponents, and jumps on these opportunities. I love these moments, but I don't crave them, because they are painful.
(I wonder if you are repulsed by the video.)
Here is the thing: I am still in love with Judo. And I am infatuatingly and passionately in love with Tango. I love the primitive aggressions in the wrestling, and I love the equally primitive, but sweet sweet sweet physical contacts of Tango.
My body wants and needs both...
ride the face
it was my turn to work with the kids last night.
all matwork.
we went through a number of basic pins, including the kami shiho gatame (also known as the upper four quarters hold; in the video, 35 seconds into the match, the aggressor pins his opponent in a kami shiho variation). anyway, the kids were just kind of hovering over their opponents, without applying any pressure. i stopped them, and showed what i wanted from them. i placed my stomach onto one kid's face, squashed it smooshed it making sure that i covered his nose mouth everything until he whimpered (disclaimer: all forced reduced to appropriate level for children under the age of 8, no child was harmed in this demonstration).
i said to them, "if my opponent is in pain, then i am winning."
all matwork.
we went through a number of basic pins, including the kami shiho gatame (also known as the upper four quarters hold; in the video, 35 seconds into the match, the aggressor pins his opponent in a kami shiho variation). anyway, the kids were just kind of hovering over their opponents, without applying any pressure. i stopped them, and showed what i wanted from them. i placed my stomach onto one kid's face, squashed it smooshed it making sure that i covered his nose mouth everything until he whimpered (disclaimer: all forced reduced to appropriate level for children under the age of 8, no child was harmed in this demonstration).
i said to them, "if my opponent is in pain, then i am winning."
that eye thing
dear diary,
i watch and i watch and i wonder about all the stuff that's going on inside their heads.
i may have discovered something about that eye thing.
to be invited, her eyes say, "dance with me, i am FUN!"
to sit and never dance, her eyes say, "i am MISERABLE, rescue me."
to invite and be accepted, his eyes say, "dance with me, i am SAFE." (bonus points for men whose eyes also say, "i am FUN.")
to invite and be rejected, his eyes say, "please please dance with little me."
i have begun to really enjoy that eye thing, for sure.
i watch and i watch and i wonder about all the stuff that's going on inside their heads.
i may have discovered something about that eye thing.
to be invited, her eyes say, "dance with me, i am FUN!"
to sit and never dance, her eyes say, "i am MISERABLE, rescue me."
to invite and be accepted, his eyes say, "dance with me, i am SAFE." (bonus points for men whose eyes also say, "i am FUN.")
to invite and be rejected, his eyes say, "please please dance with little me."
i have begun to really enjoy that eye thing, for sure.
facial expressions
she: "if the next set is a milonga, would you like to dance with me?"
me: "of course!"
she: "i will say no to everybody else."
me: "you looked like you were suffering."
she (sighing): "i just want to dance, for a while."
- - -
in close embrace, the leader cannot see the facial expressions of his partner. often, i see a woman accept a dance, only to wear miserable miserable expressions on her face. sometimes, her face is frozen in a non-committed flatness, i suppose, to suppress her real feelings.
sometimes, when our cheeks touch, i can feel the moment a smile forms on her face. this is perhaps one of the most delicious moments, to not see, but feel a smile. sometimes, i smile, she feels it, and smiles back.
me: "of course!"
she: "i will say no to everybody else."
me: "you looked like you were suffering."
she (sighing): "i just want to dance, for a while."
- - -
in close embrace, the leader cannot see the facial expressions of his partner. often, i see a woman accept a dance, only to wear miserable miserable expressions on her face. sometimes, her face is frozen in a non-committed flatness, i suppose, to suppress her real feelings.
sometimes, when our cheeks touch, i can feel the moment a smile forms on her face. this is perhaps one of the most delicious moments, to not see, but feel a smile. sometimes, i smile, she feels it, and smiles back.
the reason
(in the middle of a set...)
me: "it's been five months, right?"
she: "yup."
me: "have you fallen for it?"
she: "yeah... how about you, you still look happy after two years."
me: "i am still in the infatuation stage."
she: "i just don't want this to be another fad in my life."
(pause)
me: "have you had the perfect dance?"
she: "you know, i think i have!"
me: "you will have many more perfect dances."
me: "it's been five months, right?"
she: "yup."
me: "have you fallen for it?"
she: "yeah... how about you, you still look happy after two years."
me: "i am still in the infatuation stage."
she: "i just don't want this to be another fad in my life."
(pause)
me: "have you had the perfect dance?"
she: "you know, i think i have!"
me: "you will have many more perfect dances."
spiritual
dear diary,
after the first song, we were both grinning.
the second song. i realized that i was no longer in charge.
the spirit had taken over my body, and i surrendered completely to it, trusting it, relishing every moment.
.
..
...
i stepped off the floor, and for quite a long time, did not know where i was.
after the first song, we were both grinning.
the second song. i realized that i was no longer in charge.
the spirit had taken over my body, and i surrendered completely to it, trusting it, relishing every moment.
.
..
...
i stepped off the floor, and for quite a long time, did not know where i was.
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