(text convo) tanguera-1: "... you flow..."
(another text convo, with another tanguera)
tanguera-2: "... you flow..."
me: "holy s*it. someone else just told me that two days ago."
tanguera-2: "ha ha ha"
me: "i don't understand. what does flow mean?"
tanguera-2:
" i literally mean you flow*
no stops
not meaning you don't pause
i mean you don't stop
you just flow
even when you are not moving you are still dancing
and you make moves that make sense
so when I dance with you my legs flow naturally
no sudden moves
or nothing that interrupts (badly) the momemtum...
... does it make sense?"
me: "some of it, yes..."
--
sounds like FLOW is a good thing, even though i don't understand what it is that happens.
---
* dear tanguera-2. you understand that you just defined a word with the word itself. but i won't point that out, because i am nice like that. ;-)
easy to forget
Dear Diary,
Some of the scars that cover my body are fading away. I have this uncomfortably strange thought that I need them, to remind me of this time in my life, to not take anything for granted, to never take anything for granted, to live one moment at a time. I have already forgotten the early days, when my skin was so covered with blisters, when I was disgusting, when I was bleeding inside, when I could barely move.
Remember well, self. Remember well.
Some of the scars that cover my body are fading away. I have this uncomfortably strange thought that I need them, to remind me of this time in my life, to not take anything for granted, to never take anything for granted, to live one moment at a time. I have already forgotten the early days, when my skin was so covered with blisters, when I was disgusting, when I was bleeding inside, when I could barely move.
Remember well, self. Remember well.
stalled
dear diary,
it has been 2 months and 2 weeks. it has been that long since i stepped on the dance floor. i am surprised that i don't miss it. perhaps it is because i am preoccupied with other thoughts, of whether i will be sick again, of whether my body will be returned to me, intact. whatever it is, tango has become simply memories.
it has been 2 months and 2 weeks. it has been that long since i stepped on the dance floor. i am surprised that i don't miss it. perhaps it is because i am preoccupied with other thoughts, of whether i will be sick again, of whether my body will be returned to me, intact. whatever it is, tango has become simply memories.
pause
i was sick, very sick. spent a month in the hospital, with doctors trying to find out what was happening to my body.
i lost 30 pounds. my body, scarred, flesh hung on bones.
i danced a few songs with lomyl, to rebuild my body.
...
i have transformed, from deep deep deep within the core of my soul. i have never ever danced the way i do now...
there is so much, SO MUCH time for every note, every moment, in the music.
there is... LIFE in the music.
i lost 30 pounds. my body, scarred, flesh hung on bones.
i danced a few songs with lomyl, to rebuild my body.
...
i have transformed, from deep deep deep within the core of my soul. i have never ever danced the way i do now...
there is so much, SO MUCH time for every note, every moment, in the music.
there is... LIFE in the music.
guard down
between songs.
tanguera: "do you know all this music inside-out?"
me (thinking for a long time): "many, yes."
tanguera: "people have told me that they have to really know the music to get into it"
me: "naw... as long as it is rational... ok i will tell you a secret. when i didn't know the music as well, i used to be surprised by the music, and that would bring me to tears."
...
what i didn't tell her was this: when we danced before, i knew the music. i knew what was going to happen. and yet, the notes were so freakingly amazingly hauntingly beautiful, that i cried anyway. and THAT MUSIC, the one that, as familiar as I was to it, could transport me, strip me of all my guards, expose my innermost vulnerabilities, well, what can i say?
tanguera: "do you know all this music inside-out?"
me (thinking for a long time): "many, yes."
tanguera: "people have told me that they have to really know the music to get into it"
me: "naw... as long as it is rational... ok i will tell you a secret. when i didn't know the music as well, i used to be surprised by the music, and that would bring me to tears."
...
what i didn't tell her was this: when we danced before, i knew the music. i knew what was going to happen. and yet, the notes were so freakingly amazingly hauntingly beautiful, that i cried anyway. and THAT MUSIC, the one that, as familiar as I was to it, could transport me, strip me of all my guards, expose my innermost vulnerabilities, well, what can i say?
now that's feedback
dear diary,
i have not danced with her before. i watched for a bit, and then, when she became available, i asked her to dance. after the first song, the usual "uncomfortable-because-i-don't-know-what-to-say" chitchat. after the second song, i detected in her a twinge of lingering. then as the third song of the set ends, she held our embrace, dropping any pretenses.
talk about a boost to my confidence.
awesome.
i have not danced with her before. i watched for a bit, and then, when she became available, i asked her to dance. after the first song, the usual "uncomfortable-because-i-don't-know-what-to-say" chitchat. after the second song, i detected in her a twinge of lingering. then as the third song of the set ends, she held our embrace, dropping any pretenses.
talk about a boost to my confidence.
awesome.
inner voice
(after a wonderful set)
tanguera: "that was great... i thought you were angry with me."
me: "huh?"
tanguera: "well, we haven't danced in a while, i thought because you were upset with me."
me: "why in the world would you think that?"
tanguera: "..."
tanguera: "that was great... i thought you were angry with me."
me: "huh?"
tanguera: "well, we haven't danced in a while, i thought because you were upset with me."
me: "why in the world would you think that?"
tanguera: "..."
tired
dear diary,
i am tired. i am afraid of everything. it is exhausting, this fear thing. on my way to the milonga, i was jittery. i could not find a calm place for my mind.
tango doesn't fix everything...
i am tired. i am afraid of everything. it is exhausting, this fear thing. on my way to the milonga, i was jittery. i could not find a calm place for my mind.
tango doesn't fix everything...
sigh as punishment
dear diary,
i can't tell you how many times my tanguera friends tell me about being punished for their "mistakes." every time, i am incredulous. of course, they are tactful, and don't identify these wonderfully considerate assholes. finally, i ask, "but i can't see the punishment from the outside. so it must be subtle right?"
and then i remember that many tell me of the SIGH. the asshole (woops did i write that out loud again?) sighs when his partner "makes a mistake."
WTF!
-
i wonder... what does a woman say/do, to punish back? ok ok ok that's not helpful. but, seriously, how to convert the asshole into a gentle and kind soul? it's possible, right? right? right?
i can't tell you how many times my tanguera friends tell me about being punished for their "mistakes." every time, i am incredulous. of course, they are tactful, and don't identify these wonderfully considerate assholes. finally, i ask, "but i can't see the punishment from the outside. so it must be subtle right?"
and then i remember that many tell me of the SIGH. the asshole (woops did i write that out loud again?) sighs when his partner "makes a mistake."
WTF!
-
i wonder... what does a woman say/do, to punish back? ok ok ok that's not helpful. but, seriously, how to convert the asshole into a gentle and kind soul? it's possible, right? right? right?
shudder
dear diary,
i dj'ed. i was happy with the music. i was happy with people happy with the music. a number of my favorite partners in the room. i waited, hoping that K!wobo would be available, to ask her for the De Caro set that would end with Aníbal Troilo. By the third song of the tanda, I knew the notes that would be forthcoming. I was afraid.
last night, i was emotionally vulnerable. i knew it. raw. events in my life. at first, relief. and then, more worries.
i guess that i had planned the music, for relief. i don't know.
and then the song began... i told myself to trust her. i allowed the emotion to rise. my body shuddered. i could not. i wanted to. but i could not. i simply held on to her, accepted that she knew i had surrendered.
i could barely look into her eyes. i did not want to reveal my quivering face, as we parted.
i dj'ed. i was happy with the music. i was happy with people happy with the music. a number of my favorite partners in the room. i waited, hoping that K!wobo would be available, to ask her for the De Caro set that would end with Aníbal Troilo. By the third song of the tanda, I knew the notes that would be forthcoming. I was afraid.
last night, i was emotionally vulnerable. i knew it. raw. events in my life. at first, relief. and then, more worries.
i guess that i had planned the music, for relief. i don't know.
and then the song began... i told myself to trust her. i allowed the emotion to rise. my body shuddered. i could not. i wanted to. but i could not. i simply held on to her, accepted that she knew i had surrendered.
i could barely look into her eyes. i did not want to reveal my quivering face, as we parted.
snoot
dear diary,
they sit for hours. arrive with hope and smiles. dance perhaps once. their faces darken. then they leave.
are the people who dance, and who do not invite the "sitters," unfriendly, or worse, snooty????
i am one of them. i don't invite. i used to...
i guess you will judge me badly. but you see, i have danced with them in the past. they were not comfortable, not enjoyable, not fun.
lomyl tells me that it's a mistake to want everyone to like me...
they sit for hours. arrive with hope and smiles. dance perhaps once. their faces darken. then they leave.
are the people who dance, and who do not invite the "sitters," unfriendly, or worse, snooty????
i am one of them. i don't invite. i used to...
i guess you will judge me badly. but you see, i have danced with them in the past. they were not comfortable, not enjoyable, not fun.
lomyl tells me that it's a mistake to want everyone to like me...
choice
at the festival, a big big crowd.
they open a second floor adjacent to the "main" floor.
to choose: be seen, or to fly?
FLY.
they open a second floor adjacent to the "main" floor.
to choose: be seen, or to fly?
FLY.
sidelined
dear diary,
almost two months ago, i started to study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). At first, I was quite concerned that my sparring partners would injure me. My elbow having been snapped a long time ago, it would be extremely sensitive to BJJ's trademark dislocation techniques.
i was also quite out-of-shape. frankly, i did not think that i would last long before becoming sidelined with an injury, and before i could regain some physical condition. at my first workout, i could only spar for 5 minutes before total exhaustion. but, last week, i finally began to trust. and, not only did i last for the entire 90 minute workout, i sparred for 15 minutes. of course, i almost fainted after that. but, it was fantastic fantastic.
on a roll, until i became quite weak, debilitated, on friday. i am getting better, but i can only do things (anything: walk, talk, eat) for a few minutes at a time, and then i would have to rest. i haven't been to work, because i have no energy at all. i read on the internet that it may be six weeks before i recover fully. great. just what my fragile mind that is always full of anxieties and panics needs...
shit.
almost two months ago, i started to study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). At first, I was quite concerned that my sparring partners would injure me. My elbow having been snapped a long time ago, it would be extremely sensitive to BJJ's trademark dislocation techniques.
i was also quite out-of-shape. frankly, i did not think that i would last long before becoming sidelined with an injury, and before i could regain some physical condition. at my first workout, i could only spar for 5 minutes before total exhaustion. but, last week, i finally began to trust. and, not only did i last for the entire 90 minute workout, i sparred for 15 minutes. of course, i almost fainted after that. but, it was fantastic fantastic.
on a roll, until i became quite weak, debilitated, on friday. i am getting better, but i can only do things (anything: walk, talk, eat) for a few minutes at a time, and then i would have to rest. i haven't been to work, because i have no energy at all. i read on the internet that it may be six weeks before i recover fully. great. just what my fragile mind that is always full of anxieties and panics needs...
shit.
the ritual
dear diary,
recent email exchanges with a friend led me to realize (again!) that i think way too much over simple things. but hey celebrate me for being me right?
anyway i can't help myself...
this eye-contact thing, this cabeceo thing, it is tricky. yes i know it is the safe way for everyone. but, to exercise the ritual demands a tough skin. some tangueras don't look, because they don't want to risk seeing (gasp) the intended tanguero avert his eyes, to avoid the "invitation to invite." in return for the non-cabeceo, a tanguero who makes the effort to invite the tanguera surely desires her.
well ok. i accept this. i am very happy to risk rejection (used to it by now most of the time heh heh), so that a tanguera can non-cabeceo.
i, as a man, have it easy right? well...
i don't know that it is good, but when i see a highly desirable tanguero (HDT) appear at a milonga, i defer my invitations. the more i think about it, the more awkward i feel about my inactions. i just haven't figured it out yet. anyway, why do i do it? because i want to know that when i invite a tanguera, she doesn't accept because HDT is unavailable, and she is just "killing time" dancing with me. I also don't want to be rejected because she is waiting for HDT.
i want tanguera to WANT to dance with me for that set.
recent email exchanges with a friend led me to realize (again!) that i think way too much over simple things. but hey celebrate me for being me right?
anyway i can't help myself...
this eye-contact thing, this cabeceo thing, it is tricky. yes i know it is the safe way for everyone. but, to exercise the ritual demands a tough skin. some tangueras don't look, because they don't want to risk seeing (gasp) the intended tanguero avert his eyes, to avoid the "invitation to invite." in return for the non-cabeceo, a tanguero who makes the effort to invite the tanguera surely desires her.
well ok. i accept this. i am very happy to risk rejection (used to it by now most of the time heh heh), so that a tanguera can non-cabeceo.
i, as a man, have it easy right? well...
i don't know that it is good, but when i see a highly desirable tanguero (HDT) appear at a milonga, i defer my invitations. the more i think about it, the more awkward i feel about my inactions. i just haven't figured it out yet. anyway, why do i do it? because i want to know that when i invite a tanguera, she doesn't accept because HDT is unavailable, and she is just "killing time" dancing with me. I also don't want to be rejected because she is waiting for HDT.
i want tanguera to WANT to dance with me for that set.
what to do between songs
between songs...
friend-1: "I KNOW what to do between songs." (clearly she knows about my well-this-is-awkward-it's-now-between-song-and-i-don't-know-what-to-do problem.)
i watch her show me the proper etiquette: "sigh..."
(phew, the next song is starting... 5 seconds... 10 seconds... ok we are good to go.)
--
me: "sorry, i know i am supposed to, and i know it is a cultivated skill, but, i don't know what to do."
friend-2: "no worries. we don't have to say anything."
now, whenever we dance, she looks at me, grins, and between songs, conjures the most corny lines EVER... "so, what's new?"
friend-1: "I KNOW what to do between songs." (clearly she knows about my well-this-is-awkward-it's-now-between-song-and-i-don't-know-what-to-do problem.)
i watch her show me the proper etiquette: "sigh..."
(phew, the next song is starting... 5 seconds... 10 seconds... ok we are good to go.)
--
me: "sorry, i know i am supposed to, and i know it is a cultivated skill, but, i don't know what to do."
friend-2: "no worries. we don't have to say anything."
now, whenever we dance, she looks at me, grins, and between songs, conjures the most corny lines EVER... "so, what's new?"
pictures
i am taking pictures.
dj: "you don't like the music?"
(it is a fantastic Donato set.)
me: "are you kidding? i LOVE this set. but, i was turned down when i cabeceo'ed Kemor8a. so now i have to sit out."
dj: "oh ok. but Mu$hui told me that you take pictures when you don't like the music."
me: "ha ha ha!"
- - -
less than two years ago, i gathered enough courage to take pictures. i was, forever, not sure that i could capture the beauty that surrounded me. in any case, i began with my crappy cellphone camera, then to a super-slim camera (to sooth my mid-life crisis), finally to a used DSLR. i had no idea (nor do i know much more now) what i was doing. there were all these technical sounding words that made no sense (yes i know i am an engineer and if the stereotype applied then i should be able to understand all this stuff but i don't so i must be a weird kind of engineer). all i know is that i see people, i hear the music, i move with them, and i push the button.
my friends like the pictures i share on FB. their happiness gives me tremendous joy. often i don't know the reasons behind their impressions. i don't even try to understand. it is enough that they allow me the freedom to capture these memories, and that they like my albums. i didn't know it at the beginning. but, now i think that, completely by accident, i have created a chronicle of the tango life in my community. even as i type these words, i cannot help but be giddy.
dj: "you don't like the music?"
(it is a fantastic Donato set.)
me: "are you kidding? i LOVE this set. but, i was turned down when i cabeceo'ed Kemor8a. so now i have to sit out."
dj: "oh ok. but Mu$hui told me that you take pictures when you don't like the music."
me: "ha ha ha!"
- - -
less than two years ago, i gathered enough courage to take pictures. i was, forever, not sure that i could capture the beauty that surrounded me. in any case, i began with my crappy cellphone camera, then to a super-slim camera (to sooth my mid-life crisis), finally to a used DSLR. i had no idea (nor do i know much more now) what i was doing. there were all these technical sounding words that made no sense (yes i know i am an engineer and if the stereotype applied then i should be able to understand all this stuff but i don't so i must be a weird kind of engineer). all i know is that i see people, i hear the music, i move with them, and i push the button.
my friends like the pictures i share on FB. their happiness gives me tremendous joy. often i don't know the reasons behind their impressions. i don't even try to understand. it is enough that they allow me the freedom to capture these memories, and that they like my albums. i didn't know it at the beginning. but, now i think that, completely by accident, i have created a chronicle of the tango life in my community. even as i type these words, i cannot help but be giddy.
change is hard
dear diary,
i ask a friend about her favorite partners. she turns around and asks me the same. i tell her that as i become better, my experiences with my partners become more nuanced, more complex, more rich. i am not sure that this is what she expected (or wanted to hear)...
it's true. time has taught me to savor the uniqueness of these amazing women. when i think back to the first moments, the beginnings of these connections, i realize how much the universe has smiled upon me...
i remember this:
pre-friend: "i love to watch people."
me: "so do I!!"
pre-friend: "and you write about it."
me (without skipping a beat): "I DO!"
what a bizarre conversation! (really, how is it different from any other first encounters?) but that's just it: there have been so many many many defining moments in my short tango life.
once i thought that the tango would be so much simpler (i suppose for my psyche) if we were anonymous. now i know this: my friendships have enriched (a great surprise to me) these twelve minute embraces. i don't really know these people with whom i share these delightful connections. i don't really know what they do. i don't really know their true-selves. i just know that they like me, and i like them. all this liking is hard for me, because, when they leave, as many of them eventually do (for all the legitimate reasons in the world), the void that takes over is excruciating.
a number of friends are surprised that lomyl and i don't travel (to the festivals). but why should we??? i am a home-body. i like to grow old with the same people...
i hate it when friends leave. hate it hate it hate it.
i ask a friend about her favorite partners. she turns around and asks me the same. i tell her that as i become better, my experiences with my partners become more nuanced, more complex, more rich. i am not sure that this is what she expected (or wanted to hear)...
it's true. time has taught me to savor the uniqueness of these amazing women. when i think back to the first moments, the beginnings of these connections, i realize how much the universe has smiled upon me...
i remember this:
pre-friend: "i love to watch people."
me: "so do I!!"
pre-friend: "and you write about it."
me (without skipping a beat): "I DO!"
what a bizarre conversation! (really, how is it different from any other first encounters?) but that's just it: there have been so many many many defining moments in my short tango life.
once i thought that the tango would be so much simpler (i suppose for my psyche) if we were anonymous. now i know this: my friendships have enriched (a great surprise to me) these twelve minute embraces. i don't really know these people with whom i share these delightful connections. i don't really know what they do. i don't really know their true-selves. i just know that they like me, and i like them. all this liking is hard for me, because, when they leave, as many of them eventually do (for all the legitimate reasons in the world), the void that takes over is excruciating.
a number of friends are surprised that lomyl and i don't travel (to the festivals). but why should we??? i am a home-body. i like to grow old with the same people...
i hate it when friends leave. hate it hate it hate it.
just words
it's so easy, working with students that understand.
-
i was working with two guys, new to judo, but clearly practitioners of other disciplines. i didn't have to say much. just a few words, a few descriptions here and there. what a pleasure!
-
me: "... good. it's working. i notice that you are breathing in before the attack. i want you to breath out as you attack. try it."
student does. whump. a grin on his face. his partner appreciates the unexpected crispness of the throw.
me: "when you breath in, two things happen: one, your opponent knows you are up to something; two, your movement is off-synchronized by one. when you breath out as you attack, you become one with his body. it is very very hard for him to defend, once you are in his space."
-
i suspect that these words make no sense. the words represent what my body understands, and doesn't translate well by my mouth...
-
seventeen years from now, i hope my body will understand the tango to this depth.
-
i was working with two guys, new to judo, but clearly practitioners of other disciplines. i didn't have to say much. just a few words, a few descriptions here and there. what a pleasure!
-
me: "... good. it's working. i notice that you are breathing in before the attack. i want you to breath out as you attack. try it."
student does. whump. a grin on his face. his partner appreciates the unexpected crispness of the throw.
me: "when you breath in, two things happen: one, your opponent knows you are up to something; two, your movement is off-synchronized by one. when you breath out as you attack, you become one with his body. it is very very hard for him to defend, once you are in his space."
-
i suspect that these words make no sense. the words represent what my body understands, and doesn't translate well by my mouth...
-
seventeen years from now, i hope my body will understand the tango to this depth.
circle in a circle
dear diary,
finally the words begin to make sense to me. they had been symbols, verbal shortcuts, that represented years of knowledge. my teacher shows me a more nuanced way to think of the movements. we try it. i cry out,"wow, this is ten times more fun than before." "yes," she said.
finally the words begin to make sense to me. they had been symbols, verbal shortcuts, that represented years of knowledge. my teacher shows me a more nuanced way to think of the movements. we try it. i cry out,"wow, this is ten times more fun than before." "yes," she said.
mysterious
dear diary,
the lines of her body... ripples and swirls in space. at once, i can only take in this or that, only the whoosh of her legs, or the serenity of her body. and her face... always hidden... only briefly, just glimpses really, a profile that merely suggests.
i stare at her. i am embarrassed that i am staring. but i cannot help it.
the lines of her body... ripples and swirls in space. at once, i can only take in this or that, only the whoosh of her legs, or the serenity of her body. and her face... always hidden... only briefly, just glimpses really, a profile that merely suggests.
i stare at her. i am embarrassed that i am staring. but i cannot help it.
there will be another
friend writes, "oh man you missed a great milonga."
i reply, "i am sure it was. :-)"
- -
there will always be another.
maybe this is why i/we/they/people keep going back. if it was amazing, i/we/they/people want to replicate the experience. if it sucked, i/we/they/people want to correct the injustice of having to endure the crapilonga.
maybe there is a magic number, the MILONGA RATIO. maybe people leave when they can no longer satisfy the magical ratio.
i reply, "i am sure it was. :-)"
- -
there will always be another.
maybe this is why i/we/they/people keep going back. if it was amazing, i/we/they/people want to replicate the experience. if it sucked, i/we/they/people want to correct the injustice of having to endure the crapilonga.
maybe there is a magic number, the MILONGA RATIO. maybe people leave when they can no longer satisfy the magical ratio.
without words
i have been wondering why i enjoy dancing with her so much. of course the embrace is fantastic. but something else is going on. and this "wondering" pisses me off, because, well, i can't think and walk at the same time.
anyway, i get it now. however i interpret the music: she accepts; tells me that she accepts; ADDs her layer; "tells me" that this is what she hears in the music; i get all giddy; i experiment with other interpretations; she says, "bring it on." a conversation that happens in the space and time of one beat... for every note in the song... and the set.
yeah it's awesome.
anyway, i get it now. however i interpret the music: she accepts; tells me that she accepts; ADDs her layer; "tells me" that this is what she hears in the music; i get all giddy; i experiment with other interpretations; she says, "bring it on." a conversation that happens in the space and time of one beat... for every note in the song... and the set.
yeah it's awesome.
roles
dear diary,
getting to know more about the people, i find that they are accomplished in so many ways other than the tango. people who have spent decades becoming experts in their fields. and then, they discover this unforgiving art, a pursuit that demands everything from them. and then, once in a while, it rewards them with a peek of delicious, spiritual, and sensuous moments that they beforehand rarely, if ever, experienced.
some leave, not wanting to suffer from the apprenticeship, again.
some stay, but question daily, their sanity. for why would they want to subject themselves the humiliation of the rejections, of seeing others preferred over them, of waiting to be invited...
heaven, or hell?
to stay, or to walk away?
getting to know more about the people, i find that they are accomplished in so many ways other than the tango. people who have spent decades becoming experts in their fields. and then, they discover this unforgiving art, a pursuit that demands everything from them. and then, once in a while, it rewards them with a peek of delicious, spiritual, and sensuous moments that they beforehand rarely, if ever, experienced.
some leave, not wanting to suffer from the apprenticeship, again.
some stay, but question daily, their sanity. for why would they want to subject themselves the humiliation of the rejections, of seeing others preferred over them, of waiting to be invited...
heaven, or hell?
to stay, or to walk away?
giddy anticipation
dear diary,
dancing to fresedo at the practica with a favorite leader, i become aware that we are listening and interpreting IN THE SAME WAY. i know, at the same time that he does, what he wants. i am smiling. then, a passage builds to what i believe must be an inevitable boleo. i wait with giddy anticipation, "will he won't he will he won't he..." and then, a subtle change of momentum, he leads a gentle boleo...
every step occupies my entirety. in my best moment, i don't remember the past, nor do i know the future. i love dancing with him because i know him, because he knows me, because we know the music, and because i know he can (and he does) surprise me, any time, any step.
delicious!
dancing to fresedo at the practica with a favorite leader, i become aware that we are listening and interpreting IN THE SAME WAY. i know, at the same time that he does, what he wants. i am smiling. then, a passage builds to what i believe must be an inevitable boleo. i wait with giddy anticipation, "will he won't he will he won't he..." and then, a subtle change of momentum, he leads a gentle boleo...
every step occupies my entirety. in my best moment, i don't remember the past, nor do i know the future. i love dancing with him because i know him, because he knows me, because we know the music, and because i know he can (and he does) surprise me, any time, any step.
delicious!
practica
at the practica...
me: "was that too early or too late?"
tanguera: "well, the timing would be different for everyone. i think it was too early."
me: "ok. got it."
me try.
me try.
me try... me smile.
tanguera: "perfect."
me: "was that too early or too late?"
tanguera: "well, the timing would be different for everyone. i think it was too early."
me: "ok. got it."
me try.
me try.
me try... me smile.
tanguera: "perfect."
special
me: "how come everyone loves dancing with him so much?"
tanguera: "he finds something special in every person."
me: "i will remember this forever."
tanguera: "he finds something special in every person."
me: "i will remember this forever."
my current master alternative sets
grin and bear it
dear diary,
i have a bad thought.
i have been following quite a bit. i enjoy (sometimes very very much) some leaders. and then there are those... and i keep thinking, "omg, is what's going on inside my head also in those women who dance with you?"
horrified... what if I am one of those leaders...
ok ok ok snap out of it.
i have a bad thought.
i have been following quite a bit. i enjoy (sometimes very very much) some leaders. and then there are those... and i keep thinking, "omg, is what's going on inside my head also in those women who dance with you?"
horrified... what if I am one of those leaders...
ok ok ok snap out of it.
small talk
dear diary,
i don't know what to do. it's one thing that so many of my dances have been fantastic. what's driving me nuts are the moments between songs. there isn't anything that i want to say. i just have this silly grin on my face. i can't even look at my partners, because i know i have this silly grin on my face, thus i look silly. i mean, we just shared a great moment, and now what do i say? "so tell me how are things?" or, "did you hear that piece on npr about oxytocin?" "isn't this a wonderful spring day?"
how do you go from sublime to chitchat??? ????????
so what happens? we dance. we separate. i have silly grin. i don't know what to say. i say whatever. and as quickly as i can, i return to the embrace.
i don't know what to do. it's one thing that so many of my dances have been fantastic. what's driving me nuts are the moments between songs. there isn't anything that i want to say. i just have this silly grin on my face. i can't even look at my partners, because i know i have this silly grin on my face, thus i look silly. i mean, we just shared a great moment, and now what do i say? "so tell me how are things?" or, "did you hear that piece on npr about oxytocin?" "isn't this a wonderful spring day?"
how do you go from sublime to chitchat??? ????????
so what happens? we dance. we separate. i have silly grin. i don't know what to say. i say whatever. and as quickly as i can, i return to the embrace.
...
i watch him; i do not process what i see, only that i am witness. i strain to not analyze. just take it all in. let it all be inside my mind. let my body learn to express it... in time.
smooth balance
friend: "you know, i dance with you, with tangueroX, with tangueroY, with tangueroZ. you are all martial artists... and all so smooth."
me (nodding)
friend: "i was so surprised in the beginning. i thought that you [plural] would be so strong and tough..."
me: "when i am not smooth, that's when i lose as a fighter."
friend: "hmmm"
me: "it's hard to be in balance right?"
friend: "yes."
me: "now imagine holding that balance when your opponent is trying everything he knows to take that away from you."
friend: "i see."
me (nodding)
friend: "i was so surprised in the beginning. i thought that you [plural] would be so strong and tough..."
me: "when i am not smooth, that's when i lose as a fighter."
friend: "hmmm"
me: "it's hard to be in balance right?"
friend: "yes."
me: "now imagine holding that balance when your opponent is trying everything he knows to take that away from you."
friend: "i see."
what men talk about
(three tangueros)
t1 (to t2): "where do you get your pants?"
t2: "it's a long story..."
t1: "i have such a hard time looking for pants that have the right cut..."
t1, t2, t3 (all nod)
t1: "i end up having to buy pants that are just right at the bottom, but way too big around the waist."
t1, t2, t3 (knowing nods, in total agreement)
t3: "so what happens?"
t1: "well, it gets all bunched up at the front."
t2: "or worse, at the back."
t3: "thus explains why no tanguero ever tugs his shirt."
t2: "hey, show us!"
t1 (stands up, pulls up his shirt...)
t2, t3 (burst into loud laughter): "yup!"
t1 (to t2): "where do you get your pants?"
t2: "it's a long story..."
t1: "i have such a hard time looking for pants that have the right cut..."
t1, t2, t3 (all nod)
t1: "i end up having to buy pants that are just right at the bottom, but way too big around the waist."
t1, t2, t3 (knowing nods, in total agreement)
t3: "so what happens?"
t1: "well, it gets all bunched up at the front."
t2: "or worse, at the back."
t3: "thus explains why no tanguero ever tugs his shirt."
t2: "hey, show us!"
t1 (stands up, pulls up his shirt...)
t2, t3 (burst into loud laughter): "yup!"
buzz
(between songs)
me: "whoa. inspiration! i tried a couple of moves that i had never done before."
partner: "uh huh..."
me: "you know what, i need to wear those buzzer motors, like the ones in cellphones."
partner: "ha ha."
me: "this way, when i do a cool new move, you will feel the buzzer, and then you will say, 'hey! that was a really cool new move.' and i will feel super manly cool."
partner: "ha ha."
(somewhere in the music... i do the cool new move.)
me: "buzz."
me: "whoa. inspiration! i tried a couple of moves that i had never done before."
partner: "uh huh..."
me: "you know what, i need to wear those buzzer motors, like the ones in cellphones."
partner: "ha ha."
me: "this way, when i do a cool new move, you will feel the buzzer, and then you will say, 'hey! that was a really cool new move.' and i will feel super manly cool."
partner: "ha ha."
(somewhere in the music... i do the cool new move.)
me: "buzz."
understanding
partner: "be careful, he is right behind you."
me: "no worries. he knows where i am."
partner (pause): "i see... you guys have an understanding..."
me (thinking to myself): "i love being in the line where there is mutual trust."
me: "no worries. he knows where i am."
partner (pause): "i see... you guys have an understanding..."
me (thinking to myself): "i love being in the line where there is mutual trust."
license
partner: "they should require licenses!"
me: "ha ha ha!!! yes! like a driver's test, people need to pass a test to earn their tango license."
me: "ha ha ha!!! yes! like a driver's test, people need to pass a test to earn their tango license."
drool
in the middle of a great set, in close embrace...
oh oh... i release my left arm to quietly (of course she is unaware of this most embarrassing faux pas)...
"just wiping off my drool."
she bursts into laughter.
oh oh... i release my left arm to quietly (of course she is unaware of this most embarrassing faux pas)...
"just wiping off my drool."
she bursts into laughter.
different kind of goodness
dear diary,
a few days ago, when my friend told me about the giddiness from performing to unfamiliar music, i told her that the day before, i had lamented to lomyl that i had not cried in a while. i had wondered about this for a few weeks, about a lack of *something*.
and then, it dawned on me that i had come to know the music; that i knew; that i was no longer taken by surprise; that the familiarity had robbed me of the delicious emotional roller coaster that came from not knowing.
i sighed deeply to my friend, about how much i missed those moments, of being caught, being in the moment, to experience *IT* for the first time, to feel the rawness of the *FIRST TIME*.
and then, unexpectedly (ha ha), last night, to the completely familiar music, with a favorite partner, i experimented in ways i had not, in a very long time. you know what? instead of being caught by the music, i was surprised by what i would do with it! i could not anticipate, nor did i want to, what would happen between us. this surprise, to me, was also a surprise to my partner. for many sets, we were giddy about every surprising step, to the music that we had come to know so well.
a few days ago, when my friend told me about the giddiness from performing to unfamiliar music, i told her that the day before, i had lamented to lomyl that i had not cried in a while. i had wondered about this for a few weeks, about a lack of *something*.
and then, it dawned on me that i had come to know the music; that i knew; that i was no longer taken by surprise; that the familiarity had robbed me of the delicious emotional roller coaster that came from not knowing.
i sighed deeply to my friend, about how much i missed those moments, of being caught, being in the moment, to experience *IT* for the first time, to feel the rawness of the *FIRST TIME*.
and then, unexpectedly (ha ha), last night, to the completely familiar music, with a favorite partner, i experimented in ways i had not, in a very long time. you know what? instead of being caught by the music, i was surprised by what i would do with it! i could not anticipate, nor did i want to, what would happen between us. this surprise, to me, was also a surprise to my partner. for many sets, we were giddy about every surprising step, to the music that we had come to know so well.
you make me work
dear diary,
three followers in one week said the same thing to me, "whoa, you make me work." (actually, i get this with some regularity.) to which i grimaced with embarrassment. when they saw that i was upset, they quickly explained that my lead forced them to be "on," that there would be no room to hide, that their mistakes were amplified, and that all this was GOOD. when they saw that their explanations did not mollify, that in fact i was more stricken, they told me that, REALLY IT WAS GOOD.
"but..."
"really, it's good that i have to work."
hmmm... and sigh... i don't understand.
three followers in one week said the same thing to me, "whoa, you make me work." (actually, i get this with some regularity.) to which i grimaced with embarrassment. when they saw that i was upset, they quickly explained that my lead forced them to be "on," that there would be no room to hide, that their mistakes were amplified, and that all this was GOOD. when they saw that their explanations did not mollify, that in fact i was more stricken, they told me that, REALLY IT WAS GOOD.
"but..."
"really, it's good that i have to work."
hmmm... and sigh... i don't understand.
small change, everything changes
dear diary,
there were times that i had to NOT invite a follower, with whom i share fun and interesting company, but my body hurt when we dance. i was very upset.
and then, i incorporated, from the lesson with the visiting teacher, one "small" change.
wow wow wow wow wow!!!
now, my body feels safe. i can dance with "everyone."
:-)
just giddy.
you have no idea!!! how! happy! i! am!!!
there were times that i had to NOT invite a follower, with whom i share fun and interesting company, but my body hurt when we dance. i was very upset.
and then, i incorporated, from the lesson with the visiting teacher, one "small" change.
wow wow wow wow wow!!!
now, my body feels safe. i can dance with "everyone."
:-)
just giddy.
you have no idea!!! how! happy! i! am!!!
losing confidence
dear diary,
a few weeks ago, during randori with a beginner, i lost confidence. for the first few minutes, i was tossing him with the same technique without trouble. i was clearly in charge. i simply had to want it, and i executed the move. then, i lost confidence. i began to analyze, to think, to process. i sensed everything around me, overwhelmed by the enormity of the world. too much too much too much. i went for the throw, and he slipped away.
at the milonga last night, i lost confidence...
a few weeks ago, during randori with a beginner, i lost confidence. for the first few minutes, i was tossing him with the same technique without trouble. i was clearly in charge. i simply had to want it, and i executed the move. then, i lost confidence. i began to analyze, to think, to process. i sensed everything around me, overwhelmed by the enormity of the world. too much too much too much. i went for the throw, and he slipped away.
at the milonga last night, i lost confidence...
new material
dear diary,
after 2 years of group lessons, i decided to take a series of private sessions with a visiting teacher. of course my brain exploded. most of the time, we worked on dissociation. several "aha" moments.
several times he asked me how i did something ("how do you lead the follower to the cross?" "... i don't know. i just know that it happens when i want to.") he smiled and said, "good."
several times he said, "i will tell you a secret. women like it when you do this." and then he would lead me, both the "before" (ho-hum), and "after" (wow nice!)
now i am very happy. i have enough material to study and experiment for at least a year.
happy happy happy
after 2 years of group lessons, i decided to take a series of private sessions with a visiting teacher. of course my brain exploded. most of the time, we worked on dissociation. several "aha" moments.
several times he asked me how i did something ("how do you lead the follower to the cross?" "... i don't know. i just know that it happens when i want to.") he smiled and said, "good."
several times he said, "i will tell you a secret. women like it when you do this." and then he would lead me, both the "before" (ho-hum), and "after" (wow nice!)
now i am very happy. i have enough material to study and experiment for at least a year.
happy happy happy
oops
i am dancing with a favorite partner, to a great set, when,
a mental hiccup.
me: "so sorry."
she: (giggle)
me: "... sorry (again). you see, i am dancing with you and the woman next to us at the same time, and just a moment ago, that was a move for her."
she: (gigGLE)
me: "ok. hold on, this one is for you."
she: (bursting)
-
she could not stop laughing for the rest of the song.
a mental hiccup.
me: "so sorry."
she: (giggle)
me: "... sorry (again). you see, i am dancing with you and the woman next to us at the same time, and just a moment ago, that was a move for her."
she: (gigGLE)
me: "ok. hold on, this one is for you."
she: (bursting)
-
she could not stop laughing for the rest of the song.
good surprise
dear diary,
it had been a long week of staring at the screen and looking for answers. once i joked to lomyl that i was in need of desperate inspiration. i left the machine, chugging away, and went to a milonga that i had never attended. i just needed to be out, away from the numbers.
i did not expect to have a good time.
i had one of the best nights ever ever ever.
it had been a long week of staring at the screen and looking for answers. once i joked to lomyl that i was in need of desperate inspiration. i left the machine, chugging away, and went to a milonga that i had never attended. i just needed to be out, away from the numbers.
i did not expect to have a good time.
i had one of the best nights ever ever ever.
second set
when it has been one of those once-in-a-very-long-time-special-moments, when we both lose ourselves, and when the set comes to an end... do i dare ask for another set?
on the one hand, how could i, having just given every ounce of all of me, have any reserve for another?
how could the next set be anything but a disappointment?
what if the second set turns out to be beyond beyond??
on the one hand, how could i, having just given every ounce of all of me, have any reserve for another?
how could the next set be anything but a disappointment?
what if the second set turns out to be beyond beyond??
just dance
My favorite favorite favorite alternative set...
Il Resto Della Notte, Giuliano Taviani
Androgyne, Quartango
Mi Pueblo/Mi Casa/La Soledad, Chango Spasiuk
-
Il Resto Della Notte, Giuliano Taviani
Androgyne, Quartango
Mi Pueblo/Mi Casa/La Soledad, Chango Spasiuk
-
three parts
dear diary,
strange. a night has three parts. early, before most people show up, i dance to transition from the "outside" into the tango world. the floor is empty; the music is easy; and i adjust my body and mind. then the floor is packed. the movements smaller, more intimate, more careful, more delicious. i am part of the energy that swirls around me. the night comes to a close. the floor opens again. i am flying. my steps are large. the music tugs at my heart. i am free...
when i miss any of these very different phases, the night feels... awkward, strange, unsatisfying. arrive a little late, to a full crowd, and i am unprepared for the onslaught. leave too early, then i miss flying down the lane.
i am so ridiculously fickle and demanding.
strange. a night has three parts. early, before most people show up, i dance to transition from the "outside" into the tango world. the floor is empty; the music is easy; and i adjust my body and mind. then the floor is packed. the movements smaller, more intimate, more careful, more delicious. i am part of the energy that swirls around me. the night comes to a close. the floor opens again. i am flying. my steps are large. the music tugs at my heart. i am free...
when i miss any of these very different phases, the night feels... awkward, strange, unsatisfying. arrive a little late, to a full crowd, and i am unprepared for the onslaught. leave too early, then i miss flying down the lane.
i am so ridiculously fickle and demanding.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)