change is hard

dear diary,

i ask a friend about her favorite partners. she turns around and asks me the same. i tell her that as i become better, my experiences with my partners become more nuanced, more complex, more rich. i am not sure that this is what she expected (or wanted to hear)...

it's true. time has taught me to savor the uniqueness of these amazing women. when i think back to the first moments, the beginnings of these connections, i realize how much the universe has smiled upon me...

i remember this:

pre-friend: "i love to watch people."
me: "so do I!!"
pre-friend: "and you write about it."
me (without skipping a beat): "I DO!"

what a bizarre conversation! (really, how is it different from any other first encounters?) but that's just it: there have been so many many many defining moments in my short tango life.

once i thought that the tango would be so much simpler (i suppose for my psyche) if we were anonymous. now i know this: my friendships have enriched (a great surprise to me) these twelve minute embraces. i don't really know these people with whom i share these delightful connections. i don't really know what they do. i don't really know their true-selves. i just know that they like me, and i like them. all this liking is hard for me, because, when they leave, as many of them eventually do (for all the legitimate reasons in the world), the void that takes over is excruciating.

a number of friends are surprised that lomyl and i don't travel (to the festivals). but why should we??? i am a home-body. i like to grow old with the same people...

i hate it when friends leave. hate it hate it hate it.