moving on
dear diary,
i am learning to be honest with myself, about myself. i have wondered, and have come up with a number of reasonable explanations about my reluctance to invite women to dance.
finally, the façades fall away.
what if, this time, she says no, because she has moved on?
over time, i have stopped dancing with a good number of partners, because, i had "moved on." i have seen, and have heard the same stories from my tanguera friends.
oh the fear, that one night, and i would never know when this moment will come, when she will (cruelly or kindly, really doesn't matter does it?) decline, and that would be the end.
trance
i dj.
i see the crowd becoming one. it's just the music now. the chatter has gone away. the eyes now half open. the flow is calm.
holy shit i think to myself. i have got to hold this trance. don't mess up. keep them in the flow.
a very very good night.
i am an idiot
dear diary,
a few years ago (three or four i don't remember) magical-follower agreed to dance with me. it was not so much that the dance was unbelievable. it was what she said to me after: "the way you dance, you remind me of a famous person back home in BA." i didn't then, nor do i now, understand the reference. no matter, at that moment, those words fueled me.
we would not dance again until a few days ago. (meanwhile, every year, when she visited, she would ask me, "how come you don't ask me to dance?")
anyway, it was the last night, and she would not return for another year. i waited and waited, while men lined up to ask her to dance. and because she is gracious, she accepted all invitations.
i looked at the clock. not much time left. i resolved to sit and wait for the opening. even if i had to (break my own rule of first listen to the music before an invitation) ask her before the music began. i kept my eyes on her. other men did too. i sighed quietly.
i sat for three tandas. i looked only at her.
finally, a cortina. i peeked around the line of people. i smiled at her. she saw me and gave me a big grin. we approached each other.
when we embraced at the end, she told me, "i will always dance with you."
a few years ago (three or four i don't remember) magical-follower agreed to dance with me. it was not so much that the dance was unbelievable. it was what she said to me after: "the way you dance, you remind me of a famous person back home in BA." i didn't then, nor do i now, understand the reference. no matter, at that moment, those words fueled me.
we would not dance again until a few days ago. (meanwhile, every year, when she visited, she would ask me, "how come you don't ask me to dance?")
anyway, it was the last night, and she would not return for another year. i waited and waited, while men lined up to ask her to dance. and because she is gracious, she accepted all invitations.
i looked at the clock. not much time left. i resolved to sit and wait for the opening. even if i had to (break my own rule of first listen to the music before an invitation) ask her before the music began. i kept my eyes on her. other men did too. i sighed quietly.
i sat for three tandas. i looked only at her.
finally, a cortina. i peeked around the line of people. i smiled at her. she saw me and gave me a big grin. we approached each other.
when we embraced at the end, she told me, "i will always dance with you."
explanation
dear diary,
as we say good night, inevitably a favorite partner would say to me that we had not danced. i have been troubled. how come i have become so reluctant to dance with women who have shared incredible moments with me?
lomyl hears my confusion, and tells me some anecdotes. and then it comes to me: i am emotionally transparent when i dance. i am emotionally transparent in general. and the dance just magnifies whatever it is that i feel. Bored, happy, tense, angry, overwhelmed...
lomyl tells me that i can't be afraid (knowing that whatever it is that i experience will be felt by my partners, GOOD and BAD), otherwise i will stop growing.
i have been afraid to share the BAD!
aha!
as we say good night, inevitably a favorite partner would say to me that we had not danced. i have been troubled. how come i have become so reluctant to dance with women who have shared incredible moments with me?
lomyl hears my confusion, and tells me some anecdotes. and then it comes to me: i am emotionally transparent when i dance. i am emotionally transparent in general. and the dance just magnifies whatever it is that i feel. Bored, happy, tense, angry, overwhelmed...
lomyl tells me that i can't be afraid (knowing that whatever it is that i experience will be felt by my partners, GOOD and BAD), otherwise i will stop growing.
i have been afraid to share the BAD!
aha!
paradox
dear diary,
as i have become more comfortable, i have become more confident, to invite.
but i have become more reluctant, more shy, to invite.
strange...
as i have become more comfortable, i have become more confident, to invite.
but i have become more reluctant, more shy, to invite.
strange...
objectified
me: "do you feel objectified?"
secret-tanguera: "humm... that's a difficult question... and i guess the answer is yes and no at the same time. to a certain degree I guess we all are, meaning we are sitting there, nice and pretty, waiting for the right man to ask us to dance. but then, on the other hand, i only say yes to guys that don't treat me as an object. i only say yes to guys that want to dance with me, not with my body, or my skirt, or my high heels or my boobs."
-
on the one hand, i cherish the social anonymity at the milongas. on the other hand, i like too the exchange of stuff that swirl inside our heads.
secret-tanguera: "humm... that's a difficult question... and i guess the answer is yes and no at the same time. to a certain degree I guess we all are, meaning we are sitting there, nice and pretty, waiting for the right man to ask us to dance. but then, on the other hand, i only say yes to guys that don't treat me as an object. i only say yes to guys that want to dance with me, not with my body, or my skirt, or my high heels or my boobs."
-
on the one hand, i cherish the social anonymity at the milongas. on the other hand, i like too the exchange of stuff that swirl inside our heads.
evolve
lomyl: "different!"
me: "?"
lomyl: "in the past, i felt that you danced well. and now, i feel that i dance well."
me: "?"
lomyl: "when i dance with you, i feel that I AM a GOOD DANCER."
me: "oh!"
me: "?"
lomyl: "in the past, i felt that you danced well. and now, i feel that i dance well."
me: "?"
lomyl: "when i dance with you, i feel that I AM a GOOD DANCER."
me: "oh!"
shell
tanguera: "i feel it. you are much stronger than a few months ago, when i drove you to the hospital."
me: ":-)"
tanguera: "i can feel your energy now. back then, you felt like a shell, as if you were afraid to be in your body."
me: "yes."
(a few days later)
tanguero: "physically, you are clearly in recovery, but i sense that your mind is not quite... it's still scattered."
me: "well, i can do something about my body... as to my mind, that's hard."
- - -
the scars are both visible and invisible. it will take time, i guess.
me: ":-)"
tanguera: "i can feel your energy now. back then, you felt like a shell, as if you were afraid to be in your body."
me: "yes."
(a few days later)
tanguero: "physically, you are clearly in recovery, but i sense that your mind is not quite... it's still scattered."
me: "well, i can do something about my body... as to my mind, that's hard."
- - -
the scars are both visible and invisible. it will take time, i guess.
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