conversations with tanguera friends...
one is sitting away from everyone, because she is not having a good time; because she is dancing with people with whom she no longer enjoys the experience; because she has become much better, and they have not; because she doesn't yet know how to say no.
another doesn't know why why why... she dresses; she puts on her beautiful shoes; she is beautiful; she is a fantastic dancer; and yet, she goes, with fear and anticipation, wondering whether she will dance, whether she will sit the entire night, whether she will have to say no to someone she doesn't want to dance with... a ride on the emotional roller coaster every time she goes to a milonga. why? why? why?
i listen to these stories, and i am so thankful that i am a man.
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another side...
I sit with the tangueros. 'She doesn't like my dance, she's bored.' 'If only I could lead ______ better.' 'If only the floor were less crowded.' 'If only she would look the way she looks with him, when she dances with me.'
'If only..'
I have had many "why, why, why" nights. They are exhausting. They make me wonder what I wanted so badly to endure feeling like that. I step back from it. I greet that feeling like an old, but sour-dispositioned friend that comes around occasionally. Then I let it go and find someone I haven't talked to in awhile. I get out of my head for awhile.
I always sit alone (or with my partner if she comes).
I haven't found a specific milonga to call my own yet.
If I never really get to know the locals, I'm always thinking about doing my best.
Getting comfortable isn't in my immediate future if I want to improve.
It's so hard to be us ;)
Heh. Been there. I even started bringing my own friends to milonga to keep me company in case tangueros get too shy.
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