attack

it came back, my fears and anxieties of being in the car. the daily struggles, of chanting, of battles against myself, slowly weaken me.

a few days ago, in the middle of this stretch of the highway that is the bane of my daily commute, i told myself, "attack." instead of shrinking from the road, from myself, from life, i told myself to engage it, to embrace the life.

stunning.

on a packed floor at the festival, a woman's heel had cut across my partner. she winced. at the end of the song, i apologized and said, "i tried." she told me, "don't worry, it's not your fault. it's a meditation right?" i nodded, "yes, it is." when the next song started, i told myself, "attack." instead of thinking about the people around me (and thus not thinking about my partner), i simply engaged with exactly what i wanted, at that moment, on that floor, with my partner. the time, the place, mine. at this, she inhaled deeply.

...

years ago, when i was a judo baby, my teacher told me, "focus on one thing. when you throw your opponent, you don't think about throwing him. he is too big. you think about throwing that small part of his shoulder, or just that piece of his leg. when you begin the reap, you don't reap your leg. just point your big toe. everything else will be in the right place."

it was a simple advice. i have told my students the same over the decade. they have always had the same transformation: disbelief, then wonderment.

...

when i told lomyl about these moments, she smiled and told me a story about Allez!