simple night

Dear Diary,

I do what I must, while Lomyl is away, to remain sane. Conflicted emotions swirled in me at the milonga...

Someone tried throughout the night to make eye contact with me. Now, in the dark, without my glasses, I can't see anything past ten feet. But, I was pretty sure that she was sending a message. I did not acknowledge the invitation. I want to be OK with this. But, right now, I am still struggling with it. The many stories that I have heard from female friends have weaved into empathy inside my mind. The unmistakable expression on their faces stricken my heart. This, I have come to understand, is my strength and my weakness. The quality that has allowed me to do well in my professional world, to see through others' eyes, is the same that so easily absorbs the negative energy around me.

The dances were warm, gentle, soothing, comfortable, and playful. At one point, my mind ceased to hear the music; it had surrendered and allowed the music to take over, to become consciousness. I held on to my partner tightly, tears in my eyes, grateful for life. Then, I wasn't sure whether I saw it too in her face, and I averted my eyes, not sure what to do. I was not prepared for this (no one told me or warned me): to share the private emotions in these private moments, with a human being that you hardly know.

I want more. I have become greedy for the sublime experiences in the tango. I am afraid of this greed. I am afraid what I will become if/when I succumb to it.

I don't want to change. No wait. I want to change, to evolve, to transform. I am just afraid of what I will become.