Me Likey Tango

moving on

2011-11-02T15:11:00.002-04:00

dear diary,i am learning to be honest with myself, about myself. i have wondered, and have come up with a number of reasonable explanations about my reluctance to invite women to dance.finally, the façades fall away.what if, this time, she says no, because she has moved on?over time, i have stopped dancing with a good number of partners, because, i had "moved on." i have seen, and have heard the same stories from my tanguera friends.oh the fear, that one night, and i would never know when this moment will come, when she will (cruelly or kindly, really doesn't matter does it?) decline, and that would be the end.

trance

2011-09-08T19:17:00.003-04:00

i dj.i see the crowd becoming one. it's just the music now. the chatter has gone away. the eyes now half open. the flow is calm.holy shit i think to myself. i have got to hold this trance. don't mess up. keep them in the flow.a very very good night.

i am an idiot

2011-05-18T14:55:00.005-04:00

dear diary,

a few years ago (three or four i don't remember) magical-follower agreed to dance with me. it was not so much that the dance was unbelievable. it was what she said to me after: "the way you dance, you remind me of a famous person back home in BA." i didn't then, nor do i now, understand the reference. no matter, at that moment, those words fueled me.

we would not dance again until a few days ago. (meanwhile, every year, when she visited, she would ask me, "how come you don't ask me to dance?")

anyway, it was the last night, and she would not return for another year. i waited and waited, while men lined up to ask her to dance. and because she is gracious, she accepted all invitations.

i looked at the clock. not much time left. i resolved to sit and wait for the opening. even if i had to (break my own rule of first listen to the music before an invitation) ask her before the music began. i kept my eyes on her. other men did too. i sighed quietly.

i sat for three tandas. i looked only at her.

finally, a cortina. i peeked around the line of people. i smiled at her. she saw me and gave me a big grin. we approached each other.

when we embraced at the end, she told me, "i will always dance with you."

explanation

2011-05-15T11:46:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

as we say good night, inevitably a favorite partner would say to me that we had not danced. i have been troubled. how come i have become so reluctant to dance with women who have shared incredible moments with me?

lomyl hears my confusion, and tells me some anecdotes. and then it comes to me: i am emotionally transparent when i dance. i am emotionally transparent in general. and the dance just magnifies whatever it is that i feel. Bored, happy, tense, angry, overwhelmed...

lomyl tells me that i can't be afraid (knowing that whatever it is that i experience will be felt by my partners, GOOD and BAD), otherwise i will stop growing.

i have been afraid to share the BAD!

aha!

paradox

2011-05-10T12:11:00.002-04:00

dear diary,

as i have become more comfortable, i have become more confident, to invite.

but i have become more reluctant, more shy, to invite.

strange...

objectified

2011-04-21T13:24:00.003-04:00

me: "do you feel objectified?"

secret-tanguera: "humm... that's a difficult question... and i guess the answer is yes and no at the same time. to a certain degree I guess we all are, meaning we are sitting there, nice and pretty, waiting for the right man to ask us to dance. but then, on the other hand, i only say yes to guys that don't treat me as an object. i only say yes to guys that want to dance with me, not with my body, or my skirt, or my high heels or my boobs."

-

on the one hand, i cherish the social anonymity at the milongas. on the other hand, i like too the exchange of stuff that swirl inside our heads.

evolve

2011-03-01T11:36:00.002-05:00

lomyl: "different!"

me: "?"

lomyl: "in the past, i felt that you danced well. and now, i feel that i dance well."

me: "?"

lomyl: "when i dance with you, i feel that I AM a GOOD DANCER."

me: "oh!"

shell

2011-02-16T09:43:00.004-05:00

tanguera: "i feel it. you are much stronger than a few months ago, when i drove you to the hospital."

me: ":-)"

tanguera: "i can feel your energy now. back then, you felt like a shell, as if you were afraid to be in your body."

me: "yes."

(a few days later)

tanguero: "physically, you are clearly in recovery, but i sense that your mind is not quite... it's still scattered."

me: "well, i can do something about my body... as to my mind, that's hard."

- - -

the scars are both visible and invisible. it will take time, i guess.

flow

2010-12-23T05:52:00.003-05:00

(text convo) tanguera-1: "... you flow..."

(another text convo, with another tanguera)

tanguera-2: "... you flow..."
me: "holy s*it. someone else just told me that two days ago."
tanguera-2: "ha ha ha"
me: "i don't understand. what does flow mean?"

tanguera-2:

" i literally mean you flow*
no stops
not meaning you don't pause
i mean you don't stop
you just flow
even when you are not moving you are still dancing
and you make moves that make sense
so when I dance with you my legs flow naturally
no sudden moves
or nothing that interrupts (badly) the momemtum...
... does it make sense?"

me: "some of it, yes..."

--

sounds like FLOW is a good thing, even though i don't understand what it is that happens.

---

* dear tanguera-2. you understand that you just defined a word with the word itself. but i won't point that out, because i am nice like that. ;-)

easy to forget

2010-11-21T00:32:00.003-05:00

Dear Diary,

Some of the scars that cover my body are fading away. I have this uncomfortably strange thought that I need them, to remind me of this time in my life, to not take anything for granted, to never take anything for granted, to live one moment at a time. I have already forgotten the early days, when my skin was so covered with blisters, when I was disgusting, when I was bleeding inside, when I could barely move.

Remember well, self. Remember well.

stalled

2010-11-18T20:08:00.003-05:00

dear diary,

it has been 2 months and 2 weeks. it has been that long since i stepped on the dance floor. i am surprised that i don't miss it. perhaps it is because i am preoccupied with other thoughts, of whether i will be sick again, of whether my body will be returned to me, intact. whatever it is, tango has become simply memories.

pause

2010-10-17T07:23:00.004-04:00

i was sick, very sick. spent a month in the hospital, with doctors trying to find out what was happening to my body.

i lost 30 pounds. my body, scarred, flesh hung on bones.

i danced a few songs with lomyl, to rebuild my body.

...

i have transformed, from deep deep deep within the core of my soul. i have never ever danced the way i do now...

there is so much, SO MUCH time for every note, every moment, in the music.

there is... LIFE in the music.

guard down

2010-09-01T10:13:00.002-04:00

between songs.

tanguera: "do you know all this music inside-out?"

me (thinking for a long time): "many, yes."

tanguera: "people have told me that they have to really know the music to get into it"

me: "naw... as long as it is rational... ok i will tell you a secret. when i didn't know the music as well, i used to be surprised by the music, and that would bring me to tears."

...

what i didn't tell her was this: when we danced before, i knew the music. i knew what was going to happen. and yet, the notes were so freakingly amazingly hauntingly beautiful, that i cried anyway. and THAT MUSIC, the one that, as familiar as I was to it, could transport me, strip me of all my guards, expose my innermost vulnerabilities, well, what can i say?

now that's feedback

2010-08-29T14:38:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i have not danced with her before. i watched for a bit, and then, when she became available, i asked her to dance. after the first song, the usual "uncomfortable-because-i-don't-know-what-to-say" chitchat. after the second song, i detected in her a twinge of lingering. then as the third song of the set ends, she held our embrace, dropping any pretenses.

talk about a boost to my confidence.

awesome.

inner voice

2010-08-29T14:35:00.002-04:00

(after a wonderful set)

tanguera: "that was great... i thought you were angry with me."

me: "huh?"

tanguera: "well, we haven't danced in a while, i thought because you were upset with me."

me: "why in the world would you think that?"

tanguera: "..."

tired

2010-08-25T13:42:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i am tired. i am afraid of everything. it is exhausting, this fear thing. on my way to the milonga, i was jittery. i could not find a calm place for my mind.

tango doesn't fix everything...

sigh as punishment

2010-08-19T10:27:00.005-04:00

dear diary,

i can't tell you how many times my tanguera friends tell me about being punished for their "mistakes." every time, i am incredulous. of course, they are tactful, and don't identify these wonderfully considerate assholes. finally, i ask, "but i can't see the punishment from the outside. so it must be subtle right?"

and then i remember that many tell me of the SIGH. the asshole (woops did i write that out loud again?) sighs when his partner "makes a mistake."

WTF!

-

i wonder... what does a woman say/do, to punish back? ok ok ok that's not helpful. but, seriously, how to convert the asshole into a gentle and kind soul? it's possible, right? right? right?

shudder

2010-08-18T13:02:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i dj'ed. i was happy with the music. i was happy with people happy with the music. a number of my favorite partners in the room. i waited, hoping that K!wobo would be available, to ask her for the De Caro set that would end with Aníbal Troilo. By the third song of the tanda, I knew the notes that would be forthcoming. I was afraid.

last night, i was emotionally vulnerable. i knew it. raw. events in my life. at first, relief. and then, more worries.

i guess that i had planned the music, for relief. i don't know.

and then the song began... i told myself to trust her. i allowed the emotion to rise. my body shuddered. i could not. i wanted to. but i could not. i simply held on to her, accepted that she knew i had surrendered.

i could barely look into her eyes. i did not want to reveal my quivering face, as we parted.

snoot

2010-08-17T01:12:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

they sit for hours. arrive with hope and smiles. dance perhaps once. their faces darken. then they leave.

are the people who dance, and who do not invite the "sitters," unfriendly, or worse, snooty????

i am one of them. i don't invite. i used to...

i guess you will judge me badly. but you see, i have danced with them in the past. they were not comfortable, not enjoyable, not fun.

lomyl tells me that it's a mistake to want everyone to like me...

choice

2010-08-15T16:00:00.002-04:00

at the festival, a big big crowd.

they open a second floor adjacent to the "main" floor.

to choose: be seen, or to fly?

FLY.

sidelined

2010-08-10T20:40:00.004-04:00

dear diary,

almost two months ago, i started to study Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). At first, I was quite concerned that my sparring partners would injure me. My elbow having been snapped a long time ago, it would be extremely sensitive to BJJ's trademark dislocation techniques.

i was also quite out-of-shape. frankly, i did not think that i would last long before becoming sidelined with an injury, and before i could regain some physical condition. at my first workout, i could only spar for 5 minutes before total exhaustion. but, last week, i finally began to trust. and, not only did i last for the entire 90 minute workout, i sparred for 15 minutes. of course, i almost fainted after that. but, it was fantastic fantastic.

on a roll, until i became quite weak, debilitated, on friday. i am getting better, but i can only do things (anything: walk, talk, eat) for a few minutes at a time, and then i would have to rest. i haven't been to work, because i have no energy at all. i read on the internet that it may be six weeks before i recover fully. great. just what my fragile mind that is always full of anxieties and panics needs...

shit.

2010-08-09T21:49:00.002-04:00

i step off the floor.

he asks, "how is your neck?"

"oh man, i am in so much pain."

"heh heh... i know, the pressure..."

(sigh)

"she doesn't know her embrace is causing lots of pain..."

"and every man (thankfully??) is not saying anything."

the ritual

2010-07-19T12:31:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

recent email exchanges with a friend led me to realize (again!) that i think way too much over simple things. but hey celebrate me for being me right?

anyway i can't help myself...

this eye-contact thing, this cabeceo thing, it is tricky. yes i know it is the safe way for everyone. but, to exercise the ritual demands a tough skin. some tangueras don't look, because they don't want to risk seeing (gasp) the intended tanguero avert his eyes, to avoid the "invitation to invite." in return for the non-cabeceo, a tanguero who makes the effort to invite the tanguera surely desires her.

well ok. i accept this. i am very happy to risk rejection (used to it by now most of the time heh heh), so that a tanguera can non-cabeceo.

i, as a man, have it easy right? well...

i don't know that it is good, but when i see a highly desirable tanguero (HDT) appear at a milonga, i defer my invitations. the more i think about it, the more awkward i feel about my inactions. i just haven't figured it out yet. anyway, why do i do it? because i want to know that when i invite a tanguera, she doesn't accept because HDT is unavailable, and she is just "killing time" dancing with me. I also don't want to be rejected because she is waiting for HDT.

i want tanguera to WANT to dance with me for that set.

what to do between songs

2010-06-22T18:16:00.005-04:00

between songs...

friend-1: "I KNOW what to do between songs." (clearly she knows about my well-this-is-awkward-it's-now-between-song-and-i-don't-know-what-to-do problem.)

i watch her show me the proper etiquette: "sigh..."

(phew, the next song is starting... 5 seconds... 10 seconds... ok we are good to go.)

--

me: "sorry, i know i am supposed to, and i know it is a cultivated skill, but, i don't know what to do."

friend-2: "no worries. we don't have to say anything."

now, whenever we dance, she looks at me, grins, and between songs, conjures the most corny lines EVER... "so, what's new?"

pictures

2010-06-22T17:49:00.003-04:00

i am taking pictures.

dj: "you don't like the music?"

(it is a fantastic Donato set.)

me: "are you kidding? i LOVE this set. but, i was turned down when i cabeceo'ed Kemor8a. so now i have to sit out."

dj: "oh ok. but Mu$hui told me that you take pictures when you don't like the music."

me: "ha ha ha!"

- - -

less than two years ago, i gathered enough courage to take pictures. i was, forever, not sure that i could capture the beauty that surrounded me. in any case, i began with my crappy cellphone camera, then to a super-slim camera (to sooth my mid-life crisis), finally to a used DSLR. i had no idea (nor do i know much more now) what i was doing. there were all these technical sounding words that made no sense (yes i know i am an engineer and if the stereotype applied then i should be able to understand all this stuff but i don't so i must be a weird kind of engineer). all i know is that i see people, i hear the music, i move with them, and i push the button.

my friends like the pictures i share on FB. their happiness gives me tremendous joy. often i don't know the reasons behind their impressions. i don't even try to understand. it is enough that they allow me the freedom to capture these memories, and that they like my albums. i didn't know it at the beginning. but, now i think that, completely by accident, i have created a chronicle of the tango life in my community. even as i type these words, i cannot help but be giddy.

change is hard

2010-06-20T23:12:00.008-04:00

dear diary,

i ask a friend about her favorite partners. she turns around and asks me the same. i tell her that as i become better, my experiences with my partners become more nuanced, more complex, more rich. i am not sure that this is what she expected (or wanted to hear)...

it's true. time has taught me to savor the uniqueness of these amazing women. when i think back to the first moments, the beginnings of these connections, i realize how much the universe has smiled upon me...

i remember this:

pre-friend: "i love to watch people."
me: "so do I!!"
pre-friend: "and you write about it."
me (without skipping a beat): "I DO!"

what a bizarre conversation! (really, how is it different from any other first encounters?) but that's just it: there have been so many many many defining moments in my short tango life.

once i thought that the tango would be so much simpler (i suppose for my psyche) if we were anonymous. now i know this: my friendships have enriched (a great surprise to me) these twelve minute embraces. i don't really know these people with whom i share these delightful connections. i don't really know what they do. i don't really know their true-selves. i just know that they like me, and i like them. all this liking is hard for me, because, when they leave, as many of them eventually do (for all the legitimate reasons in the world), the void that takes over is excruciating.

a number of friends are surprised that lomyl and i don't travel (to the festivals). but why should we??? i am a home-body. i like to grow old with the same people...

i hate it when friends leave. hate it hate it hate it.

just words

2010-06-10T13:43:00.004-04:00

it's so easy, working with students that understand.

-

i was working with two guys, new to judo, but clearly practitioners of other disciplines. i didn't have to say much. just a few words, a few descriptions here and there. what a pleasure!

-

me: "... good. it's working. i notice that you are breathing in before the attack. i want you to breath out as you attack. try it."

student does. whump. a grin on his face. his partner appreciates the unexpected crispness of the throw.

me: "when you breath in, two things happen: one, your opponent knows you are up to something; two, your movement is off-synchronized by one. when you breath out as you attack, you become one with his body. it is very very hard for him to defend, once you are in his space."

-

i suspect that these words make no sense. the words represent what my body understands, and doesn't translate well by my mouth...

-

seventeen years from now, i hope my body will understand the tango to this depth.

circle in a circle

2010-06-04T15:48:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

finally the words begin to make sense to me. they had been symbols, verbal shortcuts, that represented years of knowledge. my teacher shows me a more nuanced way to think of the movements. we try it. i cry out,"wow, this is ten times more fun than before." "yes," she said.

mysterious

2010-06-02T15:14:00.002-04:00

dear diary,

the lines of her body... ripples and swirls in space. at once, i can only take in this or that, only the whoosh of her legs, or the serenity of her body. and her face... always hidden... only briefly, just glimpses really, a profile that merely suggests.

i stare at her. i am embarrassed that i am staring. but i cannot help it.

there will be another

2010-05-30T11:48:00.003-04:00

friend writes, "oh man you missed a great milonga."

i reply, "i am sure it was. :-)"

- -

there will always be another.

maybe this is why i/we/they/people keep going back. if it was amazing, i/we/they/people want to replicate the experience. if it sucked, i/we/they/people want to correct the injustice of having to endure the crapilonga.

maybe there is a magic number, the MILONGA RATIO. maybe people leave when they can no longer satisfy the magical ratio.

without words

2010-05-29T09:25:00.004-04:00

i have been wondering why i enjoy dancing with her so much. of course the embrace is fantastic. but something else is going on. and this "wondering" pisses me off, because, well, i can't think and walk at the same time.

anyway, i get it now. however i interpret the music: she accepts; tells me that she accepts; ADDs her layer; "tells me" that this is what she hears in the music; i get all giddy; i experiment with other interpretations; she says, "bring it on." a conversation that happens in the space and time of one beat... for every note in the song... and the set.

yeah it's awesome.

roles

2010-05-28T20:01:00.005-04:00

dear diary,

getting to know more about the people, i find that they are accomplished in so many ways other than the tango. people who have spent decades becoming experts in their fields. and then, they discover this unforgiving art, a pursuit that demands everything from them. and then, once in a while, it rewards them with a peek of delicious, spiritual, and sensuous moments that they beforehand rarely, if ever, experienced.

some leave, not wanting to suffer from the apprenticeship, again.

some stay, but question daily, their sanity. for why would they want to subject themselves the humiliation of the rejections, of seeing others preferred over them, of waiting to be invited...

heaven, or hell?

to stay, or to walk away?

giddy anticipation

2010-05-10T09:10:00.004-04:00

dear diary,

dancing to fresedo at the practica with a favorite leader, i become aware that we are listening and interpreting IN THE SAME WAY. i know, at the same time that he does, what he wants. i am smiling. then, a passage builds to what i believe must be an inevitable boleo. i wait with giddy anticipation, "will he won't he will he won't he..." and then, a subtle change of momentum, he leads a gentle boleo...

every step occupies my entirety. in my best moment, i don't remember the past, nor do i know the future. i love dancing with him because i know him, because he knows me, because we know the music, and because i know he can (and he does) surprise me, any time, any step.

delicious!

practica

2010-05-09T01:04:00.002-04:00

at the practica...

me: "was that too early or too late?"

tanguera: "well, the timing would be different for everyone. i think it was too early."

me: "ok. got it."

me try.

me try.

me try... me smile.

tanguera: "perfect."

special

2010-04-30T09:08:00.001-04:00

me: "how come everyone loves dancing with him so much?"

tanguera: "he finds something special in every person."

me: "i will remember this forever."

my current master alternative sets

2010-04-26T19:40:00.004-04:00

Here is my current master list of alternative sets.

I would love to hear from you about your favorite alternative tracks!

click me

grin and bear it

2010-04-26T15:10:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i have a bad thought.

i have been following quite a bit. i enjoy (sometimes very very much) some leaders. and then there are those... and i keep thinking, "omg, is what's going on inside my head also in those women who dance with you?"

horrified... what if I am one of those leaders...

ok ok ok snap out of it.

small talk

2010-04-23T14:28:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i don't know what to do. it's one thing that so many of my dances have been fantastic. what's driving me nuts are the moments between songs. there isn't anything that i want to say. i just have this silly grin on my face. i can't even look at my partners, because i know i have this silly grin on my face, thus i look silly. i mean, we just shared a great moment, and now what do i say? "so tell me how are things?" or, "did you hear that piece on npr about oxytocin?" "isn't this a wonderful spring day?"

how do you go from sublime to chitchat??? ????????

so what happens? we dance. we separate. i have silly grin. i don't know what to say. i say whatever. and as quickly as i can, i return to the embrace.

...

2010-04-22T11:07:00.002-04:00

i watch him; i do not process what i see, only that i am witness. i strain to not analyze. just take it all in. let it all be inside my mind. let my body learn to express it... in time.

smooth balance

2010-04-21T08:46:00.004-04:00

friend: "you know, i dance with you, with tangueroX, with tangueroY, with tangueroZ. you are all martial artists... and all so smooth."

me (nodding)

friend: "i was so surprised in the beginning. i thought that you [plural] would be so strong and tough..."

me: "when i am not smooth, that's when i lose as a fighter."

friend: "hmmm"

me: "it's hard to be in balance right?"

friend: "yes."

me: "now imagine holding that balance when your opponent is trying everything he knows to take that away from you."

friend: "i see."

what men talk about

2010-04-18T20:52:00.002-04:00

(three tangueros)

t1 (to t2): "where do you get your pants?"

t2: "it's a long story..."

t1: "i have such a hard time looking for pants that have the right cut..."

t1, t2, t3 (all nod)

t1: "i end up having to buy pants that are just right at the bottom, but way too big around the waist."

t1, t2, t3 (knowing nods, in total agreement)

t3: "so what happens?"

t1: "well, it gets all bunched up at the front."

t2: "or worse, at the back."

t3: "thus explains why no tanguero ever tugs his shirt."

t2: "hey, show us!"

t1 (stands up, pulls up his shirt...)

t2, t3 (burst into loud laughter): "yup!"

another april alternative tango playlist

2010-04-12T20:35:00.000-04:00

click me

buzz

2010-04-10T13:45:00.003-04:00

(between songs)

me: "whoa. inspiration! i tried a couple of moves that i had never done before."

partner: "uh huh..."

me: "you know what, i need to wear those buzzer motors, like the ones in cellphones."

partner: "ha ha."

me: "this way, when i do a cool new move, you will feel the buzzer, and then you will say, 'hey! that was a really cool new move.' and i will feel super manly cool."

partner: "ha ha."

(somewhere in the music... i do the cool new move.)

me: "buzz."

april 2010 alternative tango playlist

2010-04-08T19:53:00.002-04:00

click me

understanding

2010-04-08T17:53:00.002-04:00

partner: "be careful, he is right behind you."

me: "no worries. he knows where i am."

partner (pause): "i see... you guys have an understanding..."

me (thinking to myself): "i love being in the line where there is mutual trust."

license

2010-04-07T11:25:00.002-04:00

partner: "they should require licenses!"

me: "ha ha ha!!! yes! like a driver's test, people need to pass a test to earn their tango license."

drool

2010-04-04T19:25:00.003-04:00

in the middle of a great set, in close embrace...

oh oh... i release my left arm to quietly (of course she is unaware of this most embarrassing faux pas)...

"just wiping off my drool."

she bursts into laughter.

omg

2010-04-04T10:00:00.004-04:00

dear diary,

ever since this, my dances have become omg-wtf-fun-amazing-blissful...

what the heck happened??????

???

different kind of goodness

2010-03-31T13:26:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

a few days ago, when my friend told me about the giddiness from performing to unfamiliar music, i told her that the day before, i had lamented to lomyl that i had not cried in a while. i had wondered about this for a few weeks, about a lack of *something*.

and then, it dawned on me that i had come to know the music; that i knew; that i was no longer taken by surprise; that the familiarity had robbed me of the delicious emotional roller coaster that came from not knowing.

i sighed deeply to my friend, about how much i missed those moments, of being caught, being in the moment, to experience *IT* for the first time, to feel the rawness of the *FIRST TIME*.

and then, unexpectedly (ha ha), last night, to the completely familiar music, with a favorite partner, i experimented in ways i had not, in a very long time. you know what? instead of being caught by the music, i was surprised by what i would do with it! i could not anticipate, nor did i want to, what would happen between us. this surprise, to me, was also a surprise to my partner. for many sets, we were giddy about every surprising step, to the music that we had come to know so well.

you make me work

2010-03-27T20:35:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

three followers in one week said the same thing to me, "whoa, you make me work." (actually, i get this with some regularity.) to which i grimaced with embarrassment. when they saw that i was upset, they quickly explained that my lead forced them to be "on," that there would be no room to hide, that their mistakes were amplified, and that all this was GOOD. when they saw that their explanations did not mollify, that in fact i was more stricken, they told me that, REALLY IT WAS GOOD.

"but..."

"really, it's good that i have to work."

hmmm... and sigh... i don't understand.

dec 29 2009 alternative milonga playlist

2010-03-21T08:35:00.002-04:00

Thanks to my wonderful friend for the translation of track names.

click me

small change, everything changes

2010-03-07T19:39:00.004-05:00

dear diary,

there were times that i had to NOT invite a follower, with whom i share fun and interesting company, but my body hurt when we dance. i was very upset.

and then, i incorporated, from the lesson with the visiting teacher, one "small" change.

wow wow wow wow wow!!!

now, my body feels safe. i can dance with "everyone."

:-)

just giddy.

you have no idea!!! how! happy! i! am!!!

losing confidence

2010-02-28T13:45:00.002-05:00

dear diary,

a few weeks ago, during randori with a beginner, i lost confidence. for the first few minutes, i was tossing him with the same technique without trouble. i was clearly in charge. i simply had to want it, and i executed the move. then, i lost confidence. i began to analyze, to think, to process. i sensed everything around me, overwhelmed by the enormity of the world. too much too much too much. i went for the throw, and he slipped away.

at the milonga last night, i lost confidence...

new material

2010-02-25T07:55:00.004-05:00

dear diary,

after 2 years of group lessons, i decided to take a series of private sessions with a visiting teacher. of course my brain exploded. most of the time, we worked on dissociation. several "aha" moments.

several times he asked me how i did something ("how do you lead the follower to the cross?" "... i don't know. i just know that it happens when i want to.") he smiled and said, "good."

several times he said, "i will tell you a secret. women like it when you do this." and then he would lead me, both the "before" (ho-hum), and "after" (wow nice!)

now i am very happy. i have enough material to study and experiment for at least a year.

happy happy happy

oops

2010-02-16T12:49:00.002-05:00

i am dancing with a favorite partner, to a great set, when,

a mental hiccup.

me: "so sorry."

she: (giggle)

me: "... sorry (again). you see, i am dancing with you and the woman next to us at the same time, and just a moment ago, that was a move for her."

she: (gigGLE)

me: "ok. hold on, this one is for you."

she: (bursting)

-

she could not stop laughing for the rest of the song.

good surprise

2010-02-15T18:37:00.003-05:00

dear diary,

it had been a long week of staring at the screen and looking for answers. once i joked to lomyl that i was in need of desperate inspiration. i left the machine, chugging away, and went to a milonga that i had never attended. i just needed to be out, away from the numbers.

i did not expect to have a good time.

i had one of the best nights ever ever ever.

second set

2010-02-10T23:09:00.002-05:00

when it has been one of those once-in-a-very-long-time-special-moments, when we both lose ourselves, and when the set comes to an end... do i dare ask for another set?

on the one hand, how could i, having just given every ounce of all of me, have any reserve for another?

how could the next set be anything but a disappointment?

what if the second set turns out to be beyond beyond??

just dance

2010-01-23T12:55:00.002-05:00

My favorite favorite favorite alternative set...

Il Resto Della Notte, Giuliano Taviani
Androgyne, Quartango
Mi Pueblo/Mi Casa/La Soledad, Chango Spasiuk

-

three parts

2010-01-03T14:35:00.002-05:00

dear diary,

strange. a night has three parts. early, before most people show up, i dance to transition from the "outside" into the tango world. the floor is empty; the music is easy; and i adjust my body and mind. then the floor is packed. the movements smaller, more intimate, more careful, more delicious. i am part of the energy that swirls around me. the night comes to a close. the floor opens again. i am flying. my steps are large. the music tugs at my heart. i am free...

when i miss any of these very different phases, the night feels... awkward, strange, unsatisfying. arrive a little late, to a full crowd, and i am unprepared for the onslaught. leave too early, then i miss flying down the lane.

i am so ridiculously fickle and demanding.

favorite

2009-12-23T17:38:00.002-05:00

"you are one of my favorite partners."

"thank you. you too."

the one

2009-12-07T21:34:00.007-05:00

i have never seen her before. all i know is that a line of men are waiting to dance with her. every time i get ready to approach her, another man invites her to the floor. ugh! finally, i seize a moment. i am mere inches away from her. i ask, "would you..." oh no she has just agreed to dance with another man. he turns to look at me, "sorry." (yeah right you are sorry. bull shit you are sorry.)

i return to my chair. my friend asks, "well?" i said, "nope. someone else beat me to it."

a few minutes later, i say to my friend, "hey you know what would be wild????" "what?" he asks. "i bet you she is going to come to ask me to dance." my friend looks at me, feeling sorry for me.

at the end of the set, she and her partner walk toward us (i turn to look at my friend, with a twinkle in my eye), and we dance the last set of the night.

crazy conversation

2009-12-07T21:27:00.004-05:00

(between songs)

new friend: "i was so cold, i am all layers today."

me: "uh huh."

(dance)

friend: "wow! i am getting warmed up."

me: "uh huh."

(dance)

new friend: "hold on!"

(she runs to take her pants off)

(later)

man friend number 1 (to me): "did she just take her pants off for you?"

me: "why yes she did."

(man friend number 2 joins us)

man friend number 2 (to new friend): "did i hear that right? did you take your pants off for him?"

new friend: "yup."

i miss them

2009-12-02T17:23:00.003-05:00

dear diary,

in nyc during the weekend, so much memory.

i miss my teachers.

what a strange period of my past life. every day, i carried 3 bags: knife bag (for cooking school), judo bag, and computer bag. every day, i traveled from clients' offices, to the dojo, back to my clients, downtown to Chinatown, ate through Chinatown (i was burning thousands of calories every day from training), to cooking school, then late train home.

it was a very good thing that i did not know about the tango at that time.

too much of a good thing

2009-11-22T20:47:00.003-05:00

dear diary,

why else would i do this, to dance ten times in eight days, except to cover the loneliness, while lomyl is away? i am deliberately exhausting myself, to the point where, last night, i sat in a corner, watching the floor of dancers, spiritually and physically drained, could not conjure any desire to dance. i was no longer dancing well. worse, i lost my mind.

translator

2009-11-10T10:22:00.005-05:00

the team huddles around the table, preparing.

heated discussion, and then i say something.

uncomfortable silence. all eyes on me...

flash back to more than twenty years ago, in the dorm, a bunch of guys, just hanging, lots of laughing and stuff like that, and then i say something.

uncomfortable silence. all eyes on me...

wherever i am in life, by some miracle, i have always had a translator, a savior, who converts my words into something else, so that people would understand me.

in the dorm, my roommate, by now used to these uncomfortable moments of silence, breaks the tension, "what he meant was..." (OH!!!! Ha! Good one, Mr. Hem ((Don't ask, a friend gave me that nickname.)))

flash forward to the meeting, around the table, i am thinking, "oh well. i should be used to this by now," when the manager says, "that's exactly right."

-

it has taken many decades for me to understand that it's ok to think the way i do.

78.5

2009-10-27T13:14:00.004-04:00

i danced with her last year. fun!

at the festival, i ask her to dance again. she is sooooo comfortable. after the song, she tells me that she had taught dance a long time ago; gave up dance for 40 years; only to study Tango five years ago. (i am doing the math in my head.)

i tell her that she feels fantastic.

she tells me that she is seventy-eight and a half years old, with a twinkle in her eyes.

i gasp.

we dance two sets in a row. for almost 25 minutes we fly along the line of dance.

listening to music with djs

2009-10-27T10:51:00.003-04:00

i am sitting between two tanguera-djs, watching the floor of dancers. a set of beautiful and old tunes begin.

tanguera-dj-1: "who do you think that is?"

me: "tough to tell. could be Canaro, Carabelli, OTV... i have a hard time with music before 1930."

i turn to tanguera-dj-2, "do you know who this is?"

tanguera-dj-2: "it's canaro."

my eyebrows lift, at her definitive answer. i turn and tell tanguera-dj-1, "tanguera-dj-2 says it's canaro."

a passage in the music.

me (to tanguera-dj-2), "but this passage, it's signature OTV."

tanguera-dj-1: "i know exactly what you mean. but, it's Canaro."

finally, at the fourth song, i smile and see that tanguera-dj-1 is smiling too.

me (bowing to tanguera-dj-2): "ok ok, Master, it's Canaro."

tanguera-dj-2: "what? you didn't believe me?"

me: "i did. it's just that, EVEN I could recognize this song is Canaro."

attack

2009-10-26T12:28:00.005-04:00

it came back, my fears and anxieties of being in the car. the daily struggles, of chanting, of battles against myself, slowly weaken me.

a few days ago, in the middle of this stretch of the highway that is the bane of my daily commute, i told myself, "attack." instead of shrinking from the road, from myself, from life, i told myself to engage it, to embrace the life.

stunning.

on a packed floor at the festival, a woman's heel had cut across my partner. she winced. at the end of the song, i apologized and said, "i tried." she told me, "don't worry, it's not your fault. it's a meditation right?" i nodded, "yes, it is." when the next song started, i told myself, "attack." instead of thinking about the people around me (and thus not thinking about my partner), i simply engaged with exactly what i wanted, at that moment, on that floor, with my partner. the time, the place, mine. at this, she inhaled deeply.

...

years ago, when i was a judo baby, my teacher told me, "focus on one thing. when you throw your opponent, you don't think about throwing him. he is too big. you think about throwing that small part of his shoulder, or just that piece of his leg. when you begin the reap, you don't reap your leg. just point your big toe. everything else will be in the right place."

it was a simple advice. i have told my students the same over the decade. they have always had the same transformation: disbelief, then wonderment.

...

when i told lomyl about these moments, she smiled and told me a story about Allez!

by association

2009-10-26T12:18:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i don't like the way he dances. anyway, he has a way of finding the women who would agree to dance with him. i avert my eyes.

he came upon a woman, who sits with elegance and grace, and extends his hand; she declines; he turns and walks away. all of this quietly played out.

suddenly, because i am dense, i understand this: when a woman has seen him dance, and when he approaches her, does she think: "what??? do you think i am bad enough to dance with you?"

wheeeee

2009-10-16T13:00:00.002-04:00

dear diary,

some moves are so much easier for me to learn than others.

i have watched a few of my fave local leaders do this swoosh-wheee thing, for a couple of years, and wished that i could do it.

last week, that's what we studied in class! and you know what? i picked it up quickly. i think the swoosh-wheee and my body were made for each other.

this week we refined the move. throughout the class, i was grinning... as was my partner.

sep 29 2009 alternative milonga playlist

2009-10-06T19:52:00.002-04:00

click me

intimate

2009-10-01T14:24:00.003-04:00

Mari writes eloquently about Intimate Mixture. I suspect I am no different from other tanguero(a)s, in that my everyday conversations are somehow related or connected to the Tango. My colleagues don't believe me when I tell them that my experiences on the dance floor are not sexual. They don't understand the distinction that I make, between the sensuous and the sexual. They don't believe that I am not thinking about (shhh...) SEX! They shake their heads when I tell them that I burst into tears, in the middle of a song, JUST BECAUSE...

... in the middle of a song, my friend turns her head, so that she now faces me; her nose next to mine; her breath brushing my cheek; we are in the moment. as we wait for the next song, she sees my eyes, and follows in the direction of my gaze, towards lomyl. a moment of "discomfort(?)," until lomyl smiles at her, at us, happy that we are enjoying the set.

... i don't know of a sweeter moment, when (and i never know when this happens) i feel my partner fully accepts me. i cherish these times and carry them in my memory for days. ok this is the best part: sometimes i don't even know my partner's name.

... when my partner cannot stop smiling, when her eyes twinkle, that's just... oh man, that's just 1000 times more better than sex. but then, i don't know that my non-Tango friends would understand the sublime and delicious intimacy in the Tango.

uncertainty about my playlist

2009-09-29T13:34:00.006-04:00

dear diary,

i have been preparing for tonight's alternative milonga. for days, i agonized over the sets. the more i listen, the more i am unhappy with my collection. finally, i have a couple of hours of the alternatives.

i burned a cd yesterday, to listen to them in the car. ugh! one set after another, "i can't dance to this!" "too long!" (but this i can deal with.) "hmmm. what do i play before this, and what after?" (ok, this is a good sign.) "what was i thinking? this song stinks!" getting out of the car, i was fuming. less than 36 hours away, and i am not in love with my music.

this morning, i burned another cd, to see if the changes that i made are acceptable. i am now doubting my taste. i mean, I LIKE the MUSIC, but, is it danceable? is it going to be fun? is it going to be embraced? should i keep it? should i go ahead and play it? should i go with an old set that i know to have been good?

and then, what about the traditionals? i have a few beautiful, and i mean really really beautiful new sets, sets that i have never played, one of De Caro, that i want to play, but that i am not sure would work with the alternatives. should i just go for it? should i be "conservative," and play the traditional sets that i know?

i only have 2 hours before the milonga, to figure out what i want. yes yes yes i don't create a list on-the-fly. i am not good enough to do that yet. i prepare and i prepare, and this time, i do not feel confident at all.

going into the night, with trepidation.

-

update: the night was fantastic. will post playlist soon.

shexperience?

2009-09-23T17:43:00.003-04:00

conversations with tanguera friends...

one is sitting away from everyone, because she is not having a good time; because she is dancing with people with whom she no longer enjoys the experience; because she has become much better, and they have not; because she doesn't yet know how to say no.

another doesn't know why why why... she dresses; she puts on her beautiful shoes; she is beautiful; she is a fantastic dancer; and yet, she goes, with fear and anticipation, wondering whether she will dance, whether she will sit the entire night, whether she will have to say no to someone she doesn't want to dance with... a ride on the emotional roller coaster every time she goes to a milonga. why? why? why?

i listen to these stories, and i am so thankful that i am a man.

life, measured in tango years

2009-09-16T14:08:00.001-04:00

"welcome back!"

"thanks!"

"how was your vacation?"

"great!"

"... how long were you gone?"

"12 milongas."

now i smellunderstand

2009-09-10T14:33:00.005-04:00

dear diary,

i read often about the odor/fragrances in the tango (for example, this). interestingly, not so much in the conversations during the milongas. (probably a sensitive topic.)

i enjoy the different and unique perfumes of my partners. sometimes, although this is rare (hmmm), two people radiate the same scent (perfume, soap, shampoo, i don't really know). over time, the scent has become part of the connections. sometimes, the sweaty scents enhance the experience.

so far so good, until last night. i was a follower during the entire class. my nose was very very unhappy. maybe it's because a man doesn't like another man's odor?? i don't know. all i know is that i now understand what women are saying, when it comes to the "smell."

i hope i smell good...

how i find the songs

2009-09-07T19:32:00.007-04:00

when people ask me how i find the songs that i play, my usual answer: i don't know. from everywhere. i am always on the alert. today, the following happened. and i thought it would be fun to write down the path of my discovery.

1. i am reading a book. it is a passage about junior prom, and Ricky Nelson's Lonesome Town is playing. It is apparently a slow song.
2. i drop everything. i go online and look for Lonesome Town on iTunes. OK, sound interesting. But I don't like Nelson's version, even though it is apparently the original.
3. i go to emusic.com and look for Lonesome Town. i download Nelson's version. But i hate it, because it is a live recording.
4. on emusic.com, i look for other artists' version of the same song. i go through the list, listen to a few of them. i find Clearwater Connection and like its interpretation.
5. i download it, and play it on the loud speaker (the laptop's speakers hide everything).
6. i dance to it. not bad. it IS slow. i can walk to it. i can spin to it. i like the mood.
7. i annotate the song in my itunes library. it is now a candidate alternative song. but, i need others to complement it.
8. i go back to emusic.com. and find other artists who have also recorded Lonesome Town. i find Tineta, a country artist. i listen to all the tracks, looking for i-don't-know-what, until i get to Have You Ever Seen The Rain (by Fogarty). OK. her version is sweet. this may work. i download it. BUT BUT BUT, i also remind myself to look for Fogarty's version, because you never know, and also because i remember from a very long time ago that i liked Fogarty's rendition.
9. now i have two possible candidates in a set.
10. i go back to reading the book.
11. but because i am obsessive, i go back to emusic.com, and download Creedence Clearwater Revival's Chronicle Volume One.
12. i look at the similar artists, and decide to try Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's Welcome to Woody Creek (don't ask me why). i scan every song. nothing turns me on. but, i download Any Love But Our Love, because, who knows, i may like it, i may not.
13. i go back to reading the book.
14. but WAIT! CCR Volume One does not contain Have You Ever Seen The Rain. back to the internet.
15. i find it under Pendulum (40th Anniversary Edition). i download it. oh it is fantastic!
16. at peace (for now). back to reading the book.

vulnerable

2009-09-05T21:45:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

a string of good songs with a favorite partner. i begin to feel a twinge. i suppress it, but the music and the connection overwhelm me and take over. i swallow hard, trying to contain the rush, trying to control it. but i succumb.

i stop in the middle of the floor, unable to take another step, convulsing, breathing hard, 5, 15, 30 seconds, every tick of the clock, wanting to walk but unable to, knowing that as soon as i move, i would burst into tears. i am embarrassed and relieved at the same time.

finally able to move, i finish the song. with cracked voice and puffed eyes, i thank her.

think again before you text and drive

2009-08-26T14:33:00.000-04:00

Loca

2009-08-12T17:33:00.001-04:00

Oh what I would give to own a time machine...

vibes

2009-08-12T13:07:00.007-04:00

dear diary,

i was frustrated that i could not find harmony with the roomful of exuberant dancers. (or was it the people in the room were not in harmony??)

it wasn't because the floor was crowded. i enjoy crowded space now. it's challenging... when the world around me is predictable... or when the world is unpredictable in a fun way. i got the sense that people were listening to music in very very different ways. and, well, instead of flow, i felt turbulence all around, everywhere.

i stood and watched, even when it was music that i loved. i wanted to go into the crowd. but i felt an invisible force along the edge of the floor, repelling me, pushing and bumping me, keeping me out.

- - -

since i wasn't dancing, i chatted. you know what? a bunch of people felt the strangeness in the air too... maybe it wasn't just me.

sad...

gancho

2009-08-11T16:29:00.001-04:00

(funny thing is, i am learning gancho right now... ha ha ha ha ha)

((once again, thanks to Johanna for finding this.))

nervous heart

2009-08-10T11:36:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i first spied her many months ago in her home town. the entire night, i watched her lead, beautifully, tanda after tanda.

at the festival, i spotted her again. i wanted badly to ask her to lead me. gutless...

the next night, i waited until she was about to walk off the floor to take a rare break, and approached her.

"would you like to lead me?"

she looks at me, with an uncomfortable expression, "if you are not a follower, i won't... if you don't follow well... "

"20 seconds" i say, "then, if it's bad, please, feel free to just walk away."

a long pause. "i will dance one song with you, because you asked. but only one."

"fantastic!"

(only at this time do i realize what i have done. my heart pounds, i am flushed with heat. i can barely breath. i don't hear the music. i just feel woozy and scared out of my mind. i could not still my heart and my mind, to listen to her... i was, simply put, awful awful awful.)

at the end of the song... "you are a good follower. are you a teacher?"

i burst out laughing. "no no no. i just love to follow."

"thank you so much for dancing with me." i said, at the end of the song, grateful for her generosity.

dream

2009-08-04T15:52:00.005-04:00

some nights are like a dream from which you don't want to wake...

-

once, after a set that was such a dream, i shook my head in awkward disbelief. what does one say in this moment??? she hugged me.

for the remainder of that night, i could not go back to ask her to dance, because, how could i dare ask for another perfect moment? was it possible to have two perfect moments?

take that!

2009-07-29T14:08:00.002-04:00

-

-

(Thanks to Johanna for posting this on her blog.)

replay replay replay

2009-07-15T13:11:00.004-04:00

i play this tune, over and over again. sigh...

-

Buscándote

Vagar...
Con el cansancio de mi eterno andar,
Tristeza amarga de la soledad Ansias
enormes de llegar.
Sabrás...
Que por la vida fui buscándote,
Que mis ensueños sin querer vencí
Que en algún cruce los dejé.
Mi andar apresuré
Con la esperanza de encontrarte a ti,
Largos caminos hilvané
Leguas y leguas recorrí por ti.
Después que entre tus brazos Pueda descansar,
Si lo prefieres volveré a marchar
Por mi camino de ayer.

-

Wandering...
With the exhaustion of my eternal rovings,
With the bitter sorrow of solitude,
With overwhelming anxiety to reach you.
You should know
That I have spent my life searching for you
That I conquered my dreams without wanting to
That I left them at some crossing.
I pushed ahead
With the hope of finding you,
I hurried down long roads
Miles and miles I covered for you.
Afterwards in your arms I can rest,
But if you want I will head out again
On my path of yesterday.

- Translation by Shannon Costello

from darkness to light

2009-07-09T13:47:00.003-04:00

dear spirit de tango,

thank you for listening to me. thank you for showing me the joy, the bliss, the pure ecstasy in the countless countless countless breathtaking moments last night.

in time, i will accept that you are fickle.

groan is good in judo

2009-07-08T16:57:00.004-04:00

during practice, a novice worked on a take-down, in which i was the take-downee (she was Tori, I, Uke.) as i fell onto my back, she followed me down to the mat, transitioned into matwork, and then, to a pin. i groaned loudly (HEY it hurt), because she (as instructed) inflicted great discomfort into my rib cage. she released immediately, fear in her eyes, asked me whether i was ok. i replied, "YES! groan is good. you want to hear groans from your opponent." to this, the instructor (of this move) said, "yes. you see, he could stop the pain anytime, if only he would just let you win."

heh heh...

-

the black-and-blue spots on my body from two weeks ago (unrelated to the above fun times) have healed to a more pleasant pale-green.

random

2009-07-08T14:11:00.005-04:00

when i attend a festival (there have only been a few), in the midst of fantastic dancers, something happens to me that transforms my dance to a new level. this change is permanent.

over the weekend, another transformation. i felt the ENERGETIC STEPS, the kind that felt to me, and which i transmit to my partner, a powerful OOOMPH to every beat of the music. my teachers described this over a year ago. of course, with many things they say to me, i understand them much much later.

happy...

-

a follower accepted my invitation. she was a very comfortable and very good dancer. at the end of the first song, i saw her looking around. she looked bored. between the songs, she did not look at me, and she was not interested in conversation. (the truth is, i am not really into chatting between songs. so in general, the silence doesn't bother me. it is the kind of silence that can be uncomfortable.)

it was a depressing moment. i wondered for a long time, whether it would have been better to just end the set early, rather than being mutually polite. just not sure.

-

sigh...

blech

2009-07-06T12:43:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

my knee continues to hurt. i keep dancing, because i am restless if i don't.

i have so many bad thoughts about the tango right now, about some kinds of people and their behaviors, about my physical pain, about uncomfortable social situations... ugh.

... story of a friend, who had never, until now, experienced the horror of sitting through an entire night without dance, reminds me of the dark side.

... so many dark feelings, none that i can share, but i suspect you already know what i cannot say, or worse, await your discovery.

My Work-in-Progress Alternative Sets

2009-06-29T18:22:00.008-04:00

Here is my (almost current) working list of alternative sets, from a base of about 1,000 candidate alternative tracks. Many "sets" are one-sies and two-sies looking for their mates. Over time, and with a lot of patience, I hav been able to fill some voids. (The search never ends.) I have not tried all songs in the "real" environment. Some are beautiful, but I just have not the time to find the complementary traditional sets. So they sit and wait in the queue.

A number of sets can be found in the various playlists on this blog, within context of the traditional music. I think that I have become better. I like my recent lists much much much more than those from a couple of years ago.

You may notice that a song may appear in a number of sets, if I think that it fits in some way. A set of more than three songs means that any combination of three or four may work. Or, it could just mean that I am still tinkering. By the way, for every one song I keep, I probably discard dozens.

Many of these songs appear in other fantastic online repositories of alternative tango music (see my playlist links on the right). I have tried to find and listen to as many songs as possible in those lists.

Alas, I have mixed success getting great tracks from Europe. If they are not in my list here, either they have not worked their way into it from my base set, or I could not find them from sources available to me, or I have listened to them, and they are "not me."

What is a lot of fun for me are the challenges in weaving the traditionals with the alternatives. If you were to see me working on a playlist, you would see a nutcase repeatedly playing tracks, to see if the transitions work, to see if it feels right, as I move in and out of the sets. I have some crude rules that have seemed to work pretty well. For example, some kinds of alternatives work great before (or after) Canaro.

I love to look at the dancers' eyes during the transitions. If they do that Spock-eyebrow thing, then it didn't work. On the other hand, if they smile, and almost nod with their body, then it is simply the best.

Thanks to Sasha who introduced me to Wax Tailor. I love to know about your list!

fun

2009-06-03T12:01:00.003-04:00

tanguero friend: "you know, i was trying to match my steps with yours..."

me: "ha! I WAS trying to match you!"

(thinking...)

me: "ah, i see. when i was behind you, i matched you. and, as we both turned, you were then behind me, and you followed me! this is too much fun."

trust, believe, and love

2009-05-27T14:08:00.003-04:00

friend: "the festival was a humbling experience."

me: "?"

friend: "well, i was upset that i could not be good enough for the leaders."

me: (silence)

friend: "it's easier when i am dancing with someone at my level."

me: (silence)

friend: "you don't agree?"

me: "it's not the way i think."

friend: "?"

me: "i have danced with incredibly talented and skilled partners, and with those who have just begun their journey. you know what's the most important thing for me?"

friend: "?"

me: "in the few minutes that we share on the floor, i feel, with certainty, that my partner trusts me, believes me, and loves me."

friend: "you are kidding."

pain

2009-05-22T16:15:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

the side of my knee hurts. not the knee. but the tissue on the inside of my right knee hurts, like something is stretched, or torn.

sigh... does this stop me from dancing? of course not.

i hope this means that i am dancing too much, and not that i am dancing incorrectly. i think it's the latter. i am upset about this. did i take a short cut somewhere, in my technique, so that my body is finally getting around to complain, to warn me?

not good.

contrast

2009-05-18T19:03:00.004-04:00

i am on travel, of course, with shoes in my pack.

it's awkward being a guest. i don't know anyone, and no one knows me.

in the course of the night, i dance with two fantastic women, both (i found out later) teachers. by fantastic, i really mean that they are both accomplished, elegant, fluid...

my experience with them... with one, the connection is sublime, emotional, to the point that after each song, as we wait for the next, i strain to hold back tears. with another, clinical. i feel that she challenges me, as if i am a student, and that when i am not crisp enough, then she shows me that i had made a mistake. all this, of course, without words, but simply in the responses of her body, her steps, to my invitations. she does none of this harshly. nonetheless, i feel uncomfortable.

-

within a set, between songs, a desire, a longing to begin the next, versus accounting the time until a proper and respectful disengagement.

glorious week

2009-05-05T19:48:00.002-04:00

dear diary,

i danced many nights this past week. it was a blissful week. many many many incredible moments on the dance floor.

...

lomyl and i have been thinking and reading about compassion, love, empathy, and acceptance.

without conscious thoughts, i brought all of this into my dance, last week.

i experienced bliss.

drill

2009-04-27T13:06:00.003-04:00

dear diary,

i like working from home. i get to do strange things during mental breaks. with my bad back, i have to force myself to stand up and walk around, otherwise mr. pain pays me a visit.

anyway, i have been thinking about dissociation a lot a lot. i figure i can do something about it.

i move my very cool audioengine a5 into the living room, play my favorite canaro set, and practice forward ochos. i am mindful of my body. i begin the coil from my shoulder, and feel the twist slide down my body, through my hip, down my legs, and finally through my ankle, my foot. it feels really really cool. (i have better balance on my left than on my right. go figure.)

i like it when my teachers' words are no longer abstract. i like it that my body has feelings that i can attach to those words.

kbye.

difficult material

2009-04-23T12:33:00.008-04:00

i have been learning new material over the past few months. it has been frustrating, but in a very good way. my body struggles to experience, just once or twice, the "right" feelings. they have been elusive, very elusive.

it is not intellectual. it never is. my body needs to feel "it." then my body understands.

in class last night, a few people (not friends), came to me and offered supportive words. it must have been obvious, on my face, the struggles within my body (to feel) and in my mind (to not think).

... as long as i am not developing bad habits, and that i am on the right track, i don't really care how long it takes. i am patient like that.

-

so you want to know what was kicking my butt? ok. DISSOCIATION.

it's one thing to keep upper body still, and move lower body. or, to move upper body and keep lower body still. last night, i needed to move my upper body SLOWER than my lower body (of course, ALSO do this while I moved to the music, to the beat, be balanced, have good posture, breath, and not to off-balance my partner).

difficult. very difficult.

-

there was a moment of light. i was both a follower and leader. at the end of an exercise, when the instructor asked the class for feedback, my leader blurted out (and pointing to me), "he is an incredible follower."

-

and so it goes. the tango is cool like that.

unfinished conversations

2009-04-21T14:34:00.000-04:00

i greet a friend, who is just putting on her shoes. we continue a conversation (one of several open threads) from some time ago. among my tango friends, there are dozens of unfinished conversations.

anyway, we sat through a couple of songs. then, the last song of the set is one of my favorites. (obviously) i can't concentrate anymore. [pause conversation] i ask her whether she would dance with me. she agrees.

maybe next time.

maybe next year

2009-04-21T13:09:00.002-04:00

i have wanted to dance with this tanguera for some time. she always seemed so content and peaceful.

i asked her last year. she politely declined.

i asked her not so long ago. again, she politely declined.

i guess i will try again next year.